It was wonderful to finally see exthesuccubus in person again. From my initial awe at her style and bearing at Cornerstone 2000, through years of corresponding on xnetgoth and privately, my respect and love for her has only grown stronger. Finally getting to spend time with her in person gave me a chance to round out my picture of her as a real human being, rather than as a festival memory or an icon on a screen. Interacting with her face to face did not lessen my estimation of her at all. She is full of life, engaging, playful, intelligent, and beautiful inside and out; and she goes to lengths to make her friends feel comfortable and acknowledged.
She is also a very extroverted person, who keeps up a dizzying social life. I found myself reacting as I often do to social butterflies: feeling dull and uninteresting, and reluctant to make any demands on her time or attention, for fear of asking too much or being a bore. I’m dissapointed to find that this insecurity exists, because I know it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy – I know how tedious insecurity can be in others. I take her at her word that she enjoyed spending time with us, but that naysaying voice in my head persists.
I find myself envious of her and her social circle. She is nearly always surrounded by friends. And she enjoys a very affectionate relationship with her friends. As I’ve written in these pages before, I have a deep need for physical affection, but apart from avivahg I don’t often get a chance to give or recieve it. Watching exthesuccubus with her friends is like watching a live reenactment of my dreams: they casually touch and carress her, hold hands with her, cuddle up to her, and she does the same to them. It’s beautiful to see, but at the same time it saddens me because I wonder if I’ll ever be able to live surrounded my loving affection as she seems to.
Being around her also got me thinking about my attitude towards life. She strikes me as someone who is doing a more effective job than most at living the way she wants to live and enjoying life. I know she has dreams that are yet unfulfilled; but she is enthusiastically embracing all kinds of experiences from day to day, getting out, meeting people, and generally living – all while raising four kids. I get so caught up in day-to-day stress about finances and such that I consign living life to the fullest to the vague future. I tend to elevate caution and and worry above the pleasures of life, when it ought to be the other way ’round. She inspires me to carpe diem.
darthcrank, her husband, is also an awesome person. Good-natured (the moniker notwithstanding), kind, laid-back, funny, and generally fun to be around, I really valued the chance to get to know him better. I wish we lived close enough to get together and have a beer whenever we felt like it.
Their household is a lot like I want mine to be someday… full of people and animals and homeschooled kids. It was nice to be part of it for a weekend 🙂