Madison, Continued (darthcrank/exthesuccubus lovefest edition)

It was wonderful to finally see exthesuccubus in person again. From my initial awe at her style and bearing at Cornerstone 2000, through years of corresponding on xnetgoth and privately, my respect and love for her has only grown stronger. Finally getting to spend time with her in person gave me a chance to round out my picture of her as a real human being, rather than as a festival memory or an icon on a screen. Interacting with her face to face did not lessen my estimation of her at all. She is full of life, engaging, playful, intelligent, and beautiful inside and out; and she goes to lengths to make her friends feel comfortable and acknowledged.

She is also a very extroverted person, who keeps up a dizzying social life. I found myself reacting as I often do to social butterflies: feeling dull and uninteresting, and reluctant to make any demands on her time or attention, for fear of asking too much or being a bore. I’m dissapointed to find that this insecurity exists, because I know it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy – I know how tedious insecurity can be in others. I take her at her word that she enjoyed spending time with us, but that naysaying voice in my head persists.

I find myself envious of her and her social circle. She is nearly always surrounded by friends. And she enjoys a very affectionate relationship with her friends. As I’ve written in these pages before, I have a deep need for physical affection, but apart from avivahg I don’t often get a chance to give or recieve it. Watching exthesuccubus with her friends is like watching a live reenactment of my dreams: they casually touch and carress her, hold hands with her, cuddle up to her, and she does the same to them. It’s beautiful to see, but at the same time it saddens me because I wonder if I’ll ever be able to live surrounded my loving affection as she seems to.

Being around her also got me thinking about my attitude towards life. She strikes me as someone who is doing a more effective job than most at living the way she wants to live and enjoying life. I know she has dreams that are yet unfulfilled; but she is enthusiastically embracing all kinds of experiences from day to day, getting out, meeting people, and generally living – all while raising four kids. I get so caught up in day-to-day stress about finances and such that I consign living life to the fullest to the vague future. I tend to elevate caution and and worry above the pleasures of life, when it ought to be the other way ’round. She inspires me to carpe diem.

darthcrank, her husband, is also an awesome person. Good-natured (the moniker notwithstanding), kind, laid-back, funny, and generally fun to be around, I really valued the chance to get to know him better. I wish we lived close enough to get together and have a beer whenever we felt like it.

Their household is a lot like I want mine to be someday… full of people and animals and homeschooled kids. It was nice to be part of it for a weekend πŸ™‚

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  1. yar, i have been there too, when i first met them and then practically lived with them because i was over there so much, and then eventually did live with them. heh. jules is pretty much my best friend. and the family is wonderful people, i know that i can count on them whenever i am in need, and i hope that they know the same. at least i think they do >:) and yes, it was wonderful to meet you this weekend, glad you enjoyed yourself

    ps. you were definatly not a bore πŸ™‚

  2. sad…

    i can’t believe i was sick all weekend (grumble grumble) – it would have been great to meet you *in person* at the club. but since you enjoyed yourself ever so much, it means you’ll perhaps visit again… so there’s hope! whee!

    though i don’t know you well enough to comment freely on the rest of your post, i will say that it’s good you can recognize things that you want in your life, and that being exposed to your friends’ ways of thinking makes you think about your own attitudes & actions. (and btw, i know what you mean about getting trapped in the little everyday worries instead of just enjoying the experience of life… blah. πŸ˜› glad you mentioned it because it’s something i need to work on too.)

    ooh, time to get ready for another exciting day at work. today i’ll play my dj club music when my co-workers are actually around to secretely complain.. heh heh. i’m so sick of the oldies station and freaking phish…


  3. my dear, I fear you’ve put me up on a pedestal and I generally tend to lose my balance and come toppling down, completely ungracefully! (luckily, it tends to leave everyone else laughing when I fall, so atleast we will be doing our part to amuse the masses)
    I do tend to live most of my life in a whirlwind, which is not always good. I’m sure I miss a lot and there are definitely times I want to slow down and stop to smell the flowers.
    ….and your key phrase was at the end…. “it was nice to be a part of it *for a weekend*” Ask anyone who has lived with me, it can get overwhelming at times.
    At any rate, you are not boring and I honestly don’t want you to feel boring when you are around me. I want you to feel free to be yourself and know that I’m simply enjoying being with you.
    We do need to spend more time together somehow.
    And don’t tell people that Scott is good natured and kind! You are going to ruin his reputation! *grin* *kiss*

    1. I won’t deny putting you on a pedestal in the past – it’s all too easy with people you rarely see. But if anything, seeing you in person helped to take you off the pedestal and humanize you, without lowering my opinion of you. I know you have flaws, I know you have traits that would probably drive me up the wall if I were around you 24/7. That doesn’t keep me from being impressed with certain aspects of your personality and lifestyle. I like knowing you as a real human being πŸ™‚ *cuddle*

  4. Garrr. I’m cranky see?! Now cut that sweet talk….

    :>P love ya!

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