So I have this Yahoo profile. It’s accurate, albeit a little short on detail. A few small details are left out, like, oh, my gender. And the photo to go with it is one of my more androgenous. It does say I’m married though. Wouldn’t want to give people the wrong idea. Stacey set it up for me after I complained that she was the only one who ever got horny idiots messaging her.

Yeah, it’s immature, but I enjoy it. What can I say, I’m easily amused. Anyway, it hooks me a slow but steady stream of morons, maybe one a month. Here’s a transcript of my latest catch, with commentary (ellipses indicate elided portions):

(16:56:09) [moron]: whats up
(17:02:17) Avdi: not much. who’s this?
(17:02:24) [moron]: my names russ
(17:02:29) [moron]: saw your profile in a yahoo group
(17:02:35) [moron]: thought ya’d like to talk n shit

“talk n shit”, it turns out, is a code phrase. For what, I’ll let you guess…

(17:02:49) Avdi: talk, perhaps. shit? not thanks.
(17:02:53) Avdi: which group?
(17:03:07) [moron]: hehehe
(17:03:13) [moron]: goth or somethign i dunno
(17:03:15) [moron]: *something
(17:03:56) Avdi: *nod*
(17:04:35) [moron]: yes yes right right
(17:05:50) Avdi: where you from?
(17:05:54) [moron]: maryland
(17:06:01) Avdi: wherabouts?
(17:06:04) [moron]: mt.airy
(17:06:07) [moron]: have my own house n shit

What an honor! A member of the landed gentry has deigned to take notice of me!

(17:06:22) Avdi: very nice

(17:07:16) [moron]: got any more pics besides whats on your proile
(17:07:19) [moron]: *profile

(17:08:08) Avdi: no, no other photos handy
(17:08:11) [moron]: ya, like 10 mins to woodbine
(17:08:13) [moron]: doh!:(
(17:08:16) Avdi: sorry
(17:08:19) [moron]: heh no prob
(17:08:30) Avdi: you’ll just have to use your imagination

I realize now what a tall order this was…

(17:08:44) [moron]: hehe, alright
(17:08:54) Avdi: do you frequent any of the B’more clubs?
(17:09:03) [moron]: i used to be in a band and played a lot out there
(17:09:10) [moron]: not recently though
(17:09:12) Avdi: what band?
(17:09:15) [moron]: TormenTion
(17:09:29) Avdi: hm. don’t know it.
(17:09:43) Avdi: where’d you play?
(17:09:46) [moron]: all over MD
(17:09:48) [moron]: some VA, some PA

Anywhere a Denny’s would book us!

(17:10:17) Avdi: *nod*
(17:10:52) [moron]: sooooooooooo ya

Is he calling pigs?

(17:10:57) Avdi: what style of music?
(17:11:06) [moron]: old stuff like pantera/slayer boring carp
(17:11:07) [moron]: *crap
(17:11:11) [moron]: that was like..2 years ago
(17:11:19) [moron]: im a hardcore fella now

Badass status confirmed! Well, some kind of ass, anyway.

(17:11:19) [moron]: sworn enemy
(17:11:19) [moron]: throwdown
(17:11:25) [moron]: killswitch engage
(17:11:28) [moron]: and a lot of grind core
(17:11:30) [moron]: iniquity
(17:11:37) Avdi: “Boring Carp” would be a good name for a band.
(17:11:50) [moron]: aborted, The Haunted!!!!! n such
(17:11:50) [moron]: heh
(17:11:55) [moron]: heh
(17:11:57) [moron]: …true
(17:12:17) Avdi: carp *are* pretty boring
(17:12:28) [moron]: it can be..
(17:13:06) Avdi: not like catfish. catfish, you never know when they’ll do something wierd like spontaneously evolve headlights.
(17:13:15) [moron]: ….true
(17:15:56) Avdi: so what is there to do in Mt. Airy?
(17:16:05) [moron]: off of main street
(17:17:46) Avdi: hm?
(17:18:10) [moron]: i live off of mainstreet
(17:18:16) [moron]: a few streets off of it exactly
(17:18:27) Avdi: ….ok. I asked what there was to do in Mt. Airy.
(17:18:33) [moron]: ohhhhhhhhh
(17:18:34) [moron]: doh
(17:18:37) [moron]: sorry,kinda drunk right now

Friends don’t let friends drink and cyber.

(17:18:46) Avdi: unless you were suggesting that you are all there is to do in Mt. Airy?
(17:19:14) Avdi: my my, and only 5:20. what’s the occasion?
(17:19:25) [moron]: hehehe
(17:19:28) [moron]: just bored, relaxing
(17:19:33) [moron]: hung out with guys right after work
(17:19:35) [moron]: i get off at 2:30

Yeah, I know how that is. I like to have a drink after a long, hard day at work too. Drag myself home in the quiet hours of the afternoon, when everyone else has already gone to bed, and have me a nice cold one…

(17:19:37) [moron]: so im home early
(17:19:38) Avdi: I see
(17:24:41) Avdi: what are you drinking?
(17:25:15) [moron]: coors original
(17:25:16) [moron]: always

It’s a good thing he added that last. I might have gotten the impression he sometimes drank good beer.

(17:27:41) Avdi: 😛
(17:28:09) [moron]: hehe:)
(17:28:10) Avdi: what are you, some kind of Republican?
(17:28:27) [moron]:
(17:28:29) [moron]: im a..human
(17:28:48) Avdi: …barely 😉
(17:29:06) [moron]: shhhhhhhhhhhhsh

…don’t wake up my girlfriend, I’m using her computer to look up horny chicks on the internet!

(17:29:07) [moron]: heh
(17:31:36) [moron]: ya there
(17:31:53) Avdi: yep
(17:31:59) [moron]: the cam didn’t work

Thank god…

(17:34:52) [moron]: so,…any pics
(17:34:54) [moron]: hehe:)?
(17:35:04) Avdi: didn’t we already go through this?
(17:35:15) [moron]: ..oh ya
(17:35:15) [moron]: doh
(17:35:34) Avdi: lay of the crack pipe
(17:35:41) [moron]: no drugs here
(17:36:04) Avdi: oh yeah, you’re in Mt. Airy
(17:36:08) [moron]: yeeeeeep
(17:36:42) Avdi: what do you want with pics anyway, hm?
(17:36:59) [moron]: to see you
(17:37:00) [moron]: more
(17:37:07) Avdi: oh? whyzzat?
(17:37:38) [moron]: cause you’s be cool

Should I be honored? Or terrified?

(17:37:57) Avdi: how do you figure? you don’t even know me
(17:38:03) [moron]: so
(17:38:05) [moron]: i want to
(17:38:09) [moron]: thats why i wanna see you har har

Ha ha! Wait, what’s funny about that statement?

(17:38:16) Avdi: I mean, I’m flattered and all, but…
(17:38:25) [moron]: just see ya, no big deal
(17:40:24) Avdi: sorry, no can do…
(17:40:30) [moron]: why’s not i ask yee
(17:40:54) Avdi: ’cause they aren’t online… ‘sides, my daddy told me not to share photos with strangers
(17:41:01) [moron]: lol
(17:41:02) [moron]: thats cool
(17:43:58) Avdi: oh ya… there’s this one:
(17:44:09) [moron]: nice
(17:44:13) [moron]: pretty:)_
(17:44:16) [moron]: quiet pretty
(17:44:17) Avdi: thank you
(17:44:19) Avdi: awww

well, guess it’s time to toss this one back…

(17:44:24) Avdi: I bet you say that to all the bois
(17:44:30) [moron]: noooooooo heh
(17:44:33) [moron]: butthead

It was fun while it lasted. But wait…

(17:44:58) Avdi: what, beavis?
(17:45:07) [moron]: heh
(17:45:49) [moron]: no more pics:(/ hehe

Persistence, or sheer stupidity? You decide!

(17:46:07) Avdi: no, ‘fraid not
(17:46:13) [moron]: well shot

OK, let’s try again:

(17:46:31) Avdi: thnk you, the photographer was my wife
(17:46:45) [moron]: ah
(17:46:49) [moron]: your a lesbian?

My friends, hope springs eternal!

(17:46:53) [moron]: and your married
(17:47:03) Avdi: I suppose you could put it that way

…if by lesbian you mean, “lesbian in a man’s body”

(17:47:15) [moron]: well talking with each other is quiet pointless

Awww, and just when I thought we had connected…

(17:47:18) [moron]: see ya around
(17:48:18) Avdi: pointless? why>
(17:48:19) Avdi: ?
(17:48:26) [moron]: i wanted to get to know ya n such

So THAT’S what the kids are calling it these days.

(17:48:30) Avdi: …and?
(17:48:39) [moron]: your married
(17:48:50) [moron]: lesbian unless you want one night stands or fuckfriends then ya but probley not so..

Indeed, why else would people converse, other than to arrange for carnal recreation? Silly me.

(17:49:59) Avdi: you make many assumptions, lad
(17:50:13) [moron]: well want to get to the point
(17:50:18) [moron]: no point in wasting time:D
(17:50:29) Avdi: no? what’s your rush?
(17:51:10) [moron]: lifes short
(17:51:13) [moron]: live only one i guess
(17:51:19) Avdi: nothing’s as good when it’s rushed
(17:51:21) [moron]: fuck the wastes that get in your way

Um, what?

(17:51:37) Avdi: I prefer to waste the fucks that get in my way
(17:51:45) [moron]: exactly
(17:51:47) Avdi: but to each their own
(17:51:49) [moron]: thats what i ment heh
(17:53:38) Avdi: you never know what you’ll miss if you don’t stop and smell the roses
(17:54:17) [moron]: dont like roses heh
(17:54:49) Avdi: what about the thorns?
(17:55:05) [moron]: noooooope
(17:55:28) Avdi: ah, you’re no fun
(17:55:45) [moron]: hehe
(17:55:47) [moron]: i can be
(17:55:54) [moron]: thats why i wanted to see more pics n such of yee
(17:56:02) Avdi: that would make you more fun?
(17:56:10) [moron]: yes yes
(17:56:12) [moron]: no, you
(17:56:19) Avdi: or would it just make more fun for you?
(17:56:23) [moron]: both
(17:56:24) [moron]: hopefully
(17:56:25) [moron]: at least nme
(17:56:27) [moron]: *me

Ayn Rand would be proud.

(17:56:57) Avdi: if you’re looking for wanking matiral, there are much better sources
(17:57:11) [moron]: no and no
(17:58:42) ***Avdi cocks an eyebrow
(17:58:51) Avdi: so your interest is not *entirely* prurient?
(17:58:59) [moron]: not all the way no
(18:00:36) Avdi: how inspiring.

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  1. Good gods…. the stupid should not get to be online.

    Reminds me of why I have all but a few people blocked from IMing me.

    No more IM’s from the likes of ‘BlckNHung’ asking what my bra size is…

    1. Dammit, why don’t I get IMs from people with names like that?

  2. Ahhh… My lesbian husband. I love you! 😉

  3. hehehe, i knew you wanted to sleep with me when i was out there, and here i thought the pic you linked up was going to be of me, heheheeh

  4. all i can really say…


    and then i wonder where in woodbine, near mt. airy… that’s not far from me (not in a “i want to go meet him” kinda way, but in an “i wonder who the hell that is?” kinda way)

  5. Damn I miss playing with twits like this. Perhaps I should actually log into my Yahoo account 😉

  6. You should have told him you were only 14.

    BTW, I’m ‘s.

  7. lol. you poor lesbian you’ll live life all alone with your cats…
    all you need is one good man.

  8. what? you’re not a girl?

    that was entirely entertaining.

    next time i’m depressed, i’ll read it again.

    ..and you were so rude to him, in a british way!
    that was precious.. that he didn’t even realize..

    ‘n shit..

    1. Re: what? you’re not a girl?


      ‘n shit 😉

  9. pretty pics! Feeling slightly envious of the androgyny. I have to work really hard to pull it off. But if I get it just right and don’t speak, I can on rare occasions pass as a boy. But I can’t talk and do so.
    I’ve never had much tolerance for talking to the stupid people on internet chats. I get bored or irritated too quickly. Or creeped out. Might be different now; haven’t really done much chating other than through aim in many many years.

    1. There wasn’t even an *attempt* to be androgenous in the graveyard one… I guess he saw what he wanted to see though. I know what you mean about being able to pull it off except for the voice. I have a very deep voice. I’m only a chick as long as I don’t open my mouht…

      1. pretty boy.

        i get the same thing. except even when i have my head shaved.
        but you already knew that.
        ..and i’m always telling you stuff you already know

        yeah, that WAS a masculine photo…but you’ve seen those bozos on jerry springer.


      2. I saw a male in the graveyard pic, but I also saw how it could appear as female if that’s where the expectation lay. I found it most amusing that he didn’t catch on that you were a guy after the “you say that to all the guys” comment.

  10. I worked briefly with a site that ‘busted’ pedophiles this way. a *cough* libertarian site fyi. 😉

    1. Would that be PJ? I’ve thought about volunteering there.

      1. Yep, as a matter of fact it was. while i was sick, I wanted to put my home time towards productive outlets, and that was one of the ones i chose.

  11. Oh, man, that whole thing was just too funny. And stupid.

  12. You have a good amount of patience…
    I’m glad you saved that one for us!

  13. ahhhhhhhh, the stupidity of the random IM. this is why i put certain things in my profile to discourage the stupid ones. still get them but much less frequently. what scares me the most tho, is that he lives in the next town over from mine. i know the road he lives off of. *shudder*

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