And I am, once again, not happy.
I think at this point I have to acknowledge the pattern – I get unhappy when I go back to work. I honestly don’t think it’s the work itself. On the whole, I like my work. But I seem to enter a different mental mode when I’m working. On weekends, and especially on holidays, I’m off in some vaguely irresponsible la-la land. When I’m working I find myself thinking constantly of all the responsibilities I have, all the things I have to do. I become jealous of the precious few hours of free time my work schedule allows me. I worry about money, and how much longer my car will last without expensive service, and bills. I think about how how holidays and birthdays and other events keep rushing up at me, with me ill-prepared. Basically, working makes me acutely conscious of my irresponsibility.
I’m 24 years old. I have maybe 35 years of active life left, if I’m lucky. I don’t have a college degree or even a diploma. I don’t have a pilot’s license. I’ve visited only two foreign countries. I can’t ride a horse or shoot a gun with any proficiency. I’ve never changed my own oil. I’ve never contributed anything back to the open-source community. I can play a few chords on the guitar, but I can’t play the piano and I don’t know music theory. I don’t know art, I don’t know wine, I’ve forgotten most of what I know about coffee, and I can’t waltz, tango, or swingdance. I can’t defend myself in a tight spot. I’ll probably never get a chance, at this point, to act on stage. I want to own a house in the mountains but I can’t take care of the one I’m renting. I’m an uncreative and uninspired lovemaker. I don’t have the resources to provide the upbringing I intended for my [step]children. I know in some ways I’m more a father than their biological father is – but I still feel I’m acting the part of mom’s boyfriend more than stepdad. I’m religiously confused. I don’t know what I want out of life. And my wardrove sucks.
Ins short: I used to be ahead of the curve. Now I’m behind it. I know it’s not because I’m incapable of all those things. I’m smart, talented, and a quick study. What I lack, as always, is motivation and self-discipline. I can’t settle on exactly what I want out of life, and even where I’m pretty sure what I want, I’m unable to create and stick to a plan of action. In addition, I am paralyzed by fear of some things. College, in particular. It’s difficult to explain why. But the intimidation I feel from institutions of higher education is palpable. Odd, considering I was going to community college at 16. In general, I’m intimidated by any large endeavour. It’s like the feeling you get in dreams, where you want to move, or just open your eyes, but you just…can’t…do…it.
I’m not looking for sympathy with this post. I don’t need to be reassured that I’m doing well and I have plenty of time ahead of me. What I WOULD like is to hear, from those of you who have accomplished at least some of your goals in life, how you managed to do it? What strategies do you use to defeat apathy and make yourself stick to a plan of action? How do you get over the intimidation of not knowing where to even begin?