January 7, 2005 8 Comments

What you don’t see:
I see myself staring back at you, impassive and cold.
I hear the insincerity in my voice when I say nothing’s wrong.
I watch myself drive away, every time I go somewhere without you.
At night in bed I feel when I stiffen and pull away from.
I know the helplessness.
I see the world spinning out of control.
I feel the waves rising all around, with no land in sight, as I drift away from you in the fog.
I feel the panic when, just when you thought everything was OK, the ground drops out from under your feet.
I feel your fear when I am angry and cannot be appeased.
I feel the despair.
I shudder with your sobs.
They tear me apart.
I feel the desperation when you do anything, everything to make it up to me the next day.
I feel the creeping madness when all of life seems like an endless carousel.
I feel the years slipping through your fingers.
I see them pay attention to me and ignore you.
I hear them talk to you and never hear you.
I feel the fatigue born of endless work with little thanks.

I feel all of this.
The only thing I cannot feel,
is your happiness.

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8 Comments

  1. miss_exys January 7, 2005 at 07:54

    I feel like that sometimes… when Peter and I are having problems.

  2. chibitig1 January 7, 2005 at 08:30

    that was…depressing.

  3. laurieannhaus January 7, 2005 at 11:54

    this made me cry 🙁

  4. avivahg January 7, 2005 at 13:47

    The only thing I cannot feel,
    is your happiness.

    That’s because there is no happiness. I don’t feel happiness.

    commented on my depression (=tidal wave) entry in which she said something that I’ve said before. It would be nice, I think sometimes, to be bipolar. Then I could experience those crazy highs and maybe, just maybe, know what happiness feels like.

    I love the poem, babe! And I appreciate the sentiment. I will admit I got lost determining which was me and which was you, though I might be able to piece it out.

    I feel the years slipping through your fingers. More and more this is such a sad reality for me.

    1. avdi January 7, 2005 at 15:11

      Not really meant to be a poem, it’s just the truth. It needed to be said.

      1. avivahg January 8, 2005 at 01:59

        Not really meant to be a poem

        Well it read like one, and I know how you’re always lamenting that people read your thoughts as poems. …Sorry.

  5. smitty1e January 7, 2005 at 23:04

    Dude

    You cut right to the heart of the estrangement that is the existential condition of mankind.
    If not for the Christ, such emotion as you sketch would have long since driven me into the real of the unthinkable.
    Props.

  6. avivahg January 8, 2005 at 02:01

    BTW

    I feel the creeping madness when all of life seems like an endless carousel.

    OMG! You do not know how much of a reality this is for me.

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