We are impoverished in this modern age. I, the dynamist, the advocate of the future, the technophile, say this. We humans are incapable of embracing the new without discarding the old in it’s entirety.
My genetic memory is crying out for something. Something that should have been naturally given to me when I reached the appropriate age, but which we have lost.
You are offering me aid and comfort and peace, but as much as I have ached for those things in my life, it is not what I need now. What do I need? Something I can see only dimly, and have no name for. My genetic memory makes exasperatingly vague hints, filtered through my readings of Jung, myth, and primitive religion.
As I hinted at before, I need to make the hero’s trip, face the dragon, expend myself, be devoured, and be reborn. c4bl3Fl4m3 touches on a corner of it in her comment about BDSM. But that’s only part of it. As I said to someone in IM moments ago:
honestly, according to my hindbrain what I need involves dancing to exhuastion, screaming my head off around a fire, surrounded by the masks of demons, being liberated from my body by lash and blade
All therapy, all western religions I know of, judeo-christian, new-agey, pagan or otherwise are too wimpy for what I need right now. I need to face the beast. I need to be torn apart and knit back together, like the ancient shamans. I need to let loose, scream into the face of the darkness, let it overwhelm me and wash over me. I need bloodletting. I have 24 years of pent-up tension in me that no self-help book’s suggestions are going to exorcise.
Go dancing, you say? That’s not enough. Not this time.
But this is the age of reason. And there is no one to help me with this.
Thank you. I’ve been trying to convince people of that for a while. I’ve also been trying to convince people that it’s not technology that’s bringing us apart from each other, from actual human interaction, it’s us doing it, using technology.
Now… go tell some of the CrimethInc-ers that.
Sounds wonderful. Seriously. A true purging of the soul.
You talking of this reawakens my need for such a thing.
I roadtripped to Frederick the other night. It’s an hour from my home. I’m not confident enough on highways to be able to drive at the speeds that are required for purging. It awakened the lust, but barely put a dent in it.
I need to RUN. In the primal sense. Whether it’s running or biking or driving, I need to move… fast. And to feel it in my body would be wonderful.
I too need to scream and scream and scream. I need to cry until I can’t cry any more. I need to let out loud sounds our ancestors made… primordial screeches and yells. I need to physically move until it hurt, and then keep on moving. I need to have a group of people standing around me on all sides but my front, drawing pain and purging my soul, while a lone man stands in front, watching my eyes and my reactions, but with me unable to see his eyes. His reactions are blank and neutral. He will give the command to start and stop. He is the Master Taskmaster. He is the one who administers the doses of beautiful purging.
I know of which you speak. I NEED it too. Sharing your need with us has reawoken mine. I wish to run with the wolves, and howl with the coyotes tonight.
/me expresses a desire to help. Nay, no longer a desire, now it is a longing in and of itself. I, too, must go on this Quest. But I can help you with yours first if you need to do yours alone.
I’m not sure if I truly recommend this…
but if you truly want the old style purging..
it can be done…
Take a knife… take a blanket… and leave all your money at home… and then just start walking in some direction.. out of town. away…
Suffer through the weather..
if you don’t face your own mortality in some way–in a real sense–then you won’t truly feel that you have done what needs to be done…
of course.. this could actually lead to massive harm to your body… frostbite, hypothermia, etc…
you could die…
but if you need to do this.. then do this..
or go get into a massive fight with someone…
it won’t be pretty…
but no hero’s trip is pretty..
nor should you, however, necessarily expect success in this..
although we here tales of how hero’s trips are the way to overcome such instances.. very rarely have I ever actually met someone who has gone through one of these… and come out with their problems solved.. or even with a new perspective that helps them.. (I know one person who has seriously done a hero’s trip..)
in fact.. sometimes it only leaves them with a distorted perspective and longing for the intensity that they feel in the trip… and no longer have…
just some thoughts..
I understand some of your situation.. I’ve had similar thoughts and feelings.. but mine peaked back when I was 16.. and I solved it then without a hero’s trip.. but by creating something that made sense only to me..
but it was through creation–that I recreated myself..
and I still have what you call the “Master Taskmaster”.. for me, it is called “the Demon”.. and if you read a book by John Steakley, called Armor.. you will recognize that archetype as the engine…
but I also have my own Tricster.. my loki…
and more importantly.. I have me… who integrates and manages the others…
anyway.. just thoughts…
Re: I’m not sure if I truly recommend this…
The “Master Taskmaster” was in someone else’s comment, not in my post.
Re: I’m not sure if I truly recommend this…
ooop.. sorry.. bad josh, bad josh..
I can hang you from your skin for a few hours if you’d like. That’s not wimpy and you’ll see life in a whole new perspective. It’s amazing where your brain goes when all you can feel is the hooks in your back and you can’t even stand on your own two legs. Want a challenge Avdi. You said you’d never be able to do it….. so…. fuck dancing. Suspend.
The thought has crossed my mind. It seems too… quiet for what my mind is craving right now though. I need to cut loose, to obliterate my consiousness. To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure mere pain is sufficient to accomplish that.
You need a Walkabout….
Oh God! Don’t encourage him!
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