We are impoverished in this modern age. I, the dynamist, the advocate of the future, the technophile, say this. We humans are incapable of embracing the new without discarding the old in it’s entirety.
My genetic memory is crying out for something. Something that should have been naturally given to me when I reached the appropriate age, but which we have lost.
You are offering me aid and comfort and peace, but as much as I have ached for those things in my life, it is not what I need now. What do I need? Something I can see only dimly, and have no name for. My genetic memory makes exasperatingly vague hints, filtered through my readings of Jung, myth, and primitive religion.
As I hinted at before, I need to make the hero’s trip, face the dragon, expend myself, be devoured, and be reborn. c4bl3Fl4m3 touches on a corner of it in her comment about BDSM. But that’s only part of it. As I said to someone in IM moments ago:
honestly, according to my hindbrain what I need involves dancing to exhuastion, screaming my head off around a fire, surrounded by the masks of demons, being liberated from my body by lash and blade
All therapy, all western religions I know of, judeo-christian, new-agey, pagan or otherwise are too wimpy for what I need right now. I need to face the beast. I need to be torn apart and knit back together, like the ancient shamans. I need to let loose, scream into the face of the darkness, let it overwhelm me and wash over me. I need bloodletting. I have 24 years of pent-up tension in me that no self-help book’s suggestions are going to exorcise.
Go dancing, you say? That’s not enough. Not this time.
But this is the age of reason. And there is no one to help me with this.