A long, painfull, stressful, disappointing weekend was brought to a upbeat close by a simply glorious time at the Fairy Festival. We were there almost from opening to closing, and I think I spent half that time dancing. Beautiful day, beautiful, beautiful people, good drummy music, good company. It was good to see dreamtigress; someday I hope to have the money to be a costomer as well as a friend. The day was blessedly free of drama, and I was generally able to keep my fear of drama from clouding my joy.
One observation, for the not-so-dancy folks out there: where there are hippies and freaks and loud drummy music, there will be dancing. Generally this phenomenon will increase with proximity to the stage. If you are standing and watching where other people are dancing, you will be bumped into. Also, your stuff (backpack, blankets, etc.) may be tripped over. This should not come as a surprise. I’m just sayin’.
Actually, although there was a huge mass of people there, the energy level was surprisingly low. I had a ball, but it still left me hungry for more. Someday I want to dance in a place where everyone else nearby is also dancing, in tune with each other and with the drummers, sharing energy and not holding back. Somewhere where body contact is expected and I don’t have to apologize every five minutes or catch the occasional dirty look for encroaching on someone’s personal space. I’d like to think that environment exists outside of mosh pits.
I’m trying not to be too disappointed about this weekend. In general, I’m trying to let go of attachments and false expectations. I think the problem is that I get needs mixed up with expectations. Needs are normal and natural and worthy of validation. It’s all too easy, though, after putting thought and energy into arranging for needs to be met to begin to expect them to be met by a certain situation or person. This is unhealthy. We can make our best effort to line things up in our favor; but ultimately every need satisfied is a gift. Thinking of it in any other light cultivates suffering.
It is good and proper that I tend to my own needs; yet I must accept that I do not know the time or the manner in which those efforts will bear fruit. My actions are breadcrumbs tossed upon the waters – I will let them go and accept whatever gifts the river brings. This is the meaning of the teaching, so long contradictory to my mind, which says that we should take responsibility and yet accept the results of our labor, so clearly a product of our own effort, as if they were gifts from god. It is a recipe for happiness in an uncertain world, a world which often does not conform to our preconceptions.