The natural bias of the journaling medium is towards the negative. At least it is for those who, like me, journal primarily as a means of self-analysis with the intent of establishing a coherent personal narrative. The tendency in non-trivial entries is to write about the bad stuff in order to understand and/or to deal with it. Positive experiences are glanced over, if mentioned at all, because they would seem to require no analysis. I don’t intend to rectify this slant; it’s the nature of the beast. But an occasional counterpoint is, perhaps, in order. Thus, the following.
I am, on all measures I can think of doing well, if not very well. Our financial situation, ever a source of stress, is no longer at red alert level. I am content and on good terms with avivahg, and getting along well with the kids. I am exercising every day, which is having a beneficient effect on my self-image, as well as more subtle effects on various aspects of my physiology. I am happy with the pace at which my nascent spirituality is moving forward. I am meditating nearly every day, and doing my best to practice mindfullness, non-attachment, and compassion in all aspects of my life. While my to-do list is as long as ever, I feel that I am more or less on top of things at the moment. I have been taking care to take note fo and enjoy the warm sunlight and sweet air of Spring at every opportunity. Perhaps because of this attentiveness, this Spring seems more lovely than any in recent memory. My sex life is not what I would once have defined as optimal, but my sex drive has been trailing off for a long time now. It still has it’s spikes, but the long-term trend seems clear: I’m slowly losing interest.
As a result of all this, I am largely content with my life. My complaints are small, and manageable.
There is, however, a small cloud in otherwise clear skies. I want to be alone.
This is a latent and long-lived issue. It is the reason, I think, that avivahg often feels ambushed by my unhappiness and dissatisfaction even at what appear to be the best of times. When she and I are at odds, angry and in pain, I write off this impulse as only natural, under the circumstances. “Of course I don’t want to be around her” I think to myself, “she’s making me angry!”. It is in the calm periods that it’s quiet but stubborn refusal to go away most troubles me. Because it is during those times that I know it is not due to any perceived failing on avivahg‘s part. It is something specific to me. I want to be alone.
And so I find myself interrogating myself periodically. Why this obstinate urge? Is it merely grass-is-always-greenerism? That possibility has often suggested itself. I know that it is not the desire for someone different; it is purely an impulse to be alone, not to find out what I might be missing or to sow some wild oats. In fact, of late I have often found the idea of a monastic life appealing.
It seems to me that I may have become addicted to being alone during my years of solitude; or at least so well adapted to it that I am uncomfortable in any other situation for long periods of time.
Or perhaps I am just genetically predisposed to a solitary lifestyle.
All this should put my recent post about adapting vs. changing the environment in more perspective. Whence this rogue impulse? And regardless of which of the possibilities above is the true reason, what am I to do? Where do I draw the line between characteristics which define Avdi, and adaptations which only harm myself and those around me and should be excised from my psyche?
This is the question which troubles me. But do not be overly concerned. As I said above, I am, on the whole, doing very well.
Good!
Good!
“My sex life is not what I would once have defined as optimal, but my sex drive has been trailing off for a long time now. It still has it’s spikes, but the long-term trend seems clear: I’m slowly losing interest.”
this is the ultimate curse, a good reason for being mad at God, if there is one….
while the male sex drive peaks when we are yet immature and largely unable to convince girls to give it up, a woman’s sex drive peaks when we are no longer so driven….
when Ridge turns 18, I’m going to encourage him to find 30 year old women to fuck.
when Ridge turns 18, I’m going to encourage him to find 30 year old women to fuck.
Har har har. I read and beleived this bit of conventional wisdom when I was in my teens, and while it was far from the biggest factor in my marrying someone 9 years my senior, I figured it would be a nice perk. Ha.
Up yours, internet sex know-it-alls 😛
when Ridge turns 18, I’m going to encourage him to find 30 year old women to fuck.
Har har har. I read and beleived this bit of conventional wisdom when I was in my teens, and while it was far from the biggest factor in my marrying someone 9 years my senior, I figured it would be a nice perk. Ha.
Up yours, internet sex know-it-alls 😛
“My sex life is not what I would once have defined as optimal, but my sex drive has been trailing off for a long time now. It still has it’s spikes, but the long-term trend seems clear: I’m slowly losing interest.”
this is the ultimate curse, a good reason for being mad at God, if there is one….
while the male sex drive peaks when we are yet immature and largely unable to convince girls to give it up, a woman’s sex drive peaks when we are no longer so driven….
when Ridge turns 18, I’m going to encourage him to find 30 year old women to fuck.
okay.. some more thoughts.. pt 1.
I got your response to our last big discussion on this topic.. and it generated thoughts again…
You may well be just genetically predisposed to introversion… and that is perfectly okay…
Now.. perhaps I see that as okay because I am also fairly introverted.. being around a lot of other people all the time drains me… I need solitary time in order to recharge… (even when we have a bunch of people over here–I tend to go sequester myself in activities–like cooking or cleaning up the kitchen–because if I had to interact with everyone all the time.. I would get totally stressed out…
Of course, you may be talking about a far stronger introversion–not just something that means that you want to be alone sometimes–but that you want to be alone all the time..
Only you can know this–but what I would have to say is this about it…
you have to look at your own priorities here, really look at them to try and figure out what is most important to you.. you may take other people’s priorities into account–but you should only bring them in at a later time..
anyway.. back to the point..
What is more important to you? i.e. how crucial is solitude for you… is it something indispensable?
Natually, I’m assuming that this solitude does something for you.. i.e. that you don’t long for solitude so that you can strive to be in pain etc etc..
also.. how much solitude do you like? i.e. do you like being alone for hours, for days, for weeks or months? What has been your experience here?
Then.. is this need for solitude-which I think is entirely reasonable–more important than your commitment to be a part of the world of and the kids–is it less important… is it about equal?
Only you can know/make reasonable guesses at such things…
of course–this is all sounding quite trite.. and I don’t mean it to be.. personally I experience something similar to what you are now feeling–but due to what I consider my genetic make-up–I don’t think it is nearly as extreme…
concretely–I too need my alone time.. right now, I am experiencing it.. if I don’t get it.. I get way cranky…Added into the story, one should know that Jai is naturally a people person–she likes having a number of close friends around–she gets energy out of crowds when she is performing etc etc…
One might think that this could lead to conflicts… yet it doesn’t.. Jai and I have spoken about it–and she knows that I need my alone time.. that there are times when I just need to go do my stuff without anyone… and she has learned to adapt…
I, however, also know myself well enough to know that I have a tendency to be more alone than is good for me.. although I don’t generally like being around people and won’t make the effort to do so–that in this state, I will often end up getting bored and wasting my time doing things like playing video games.. and then be angry at myself later for not doing something real–thus.. I have also learned to adapt myself and I “let” myself get pulled into more social activities by Jai then I would naturally do myself–and often I enjoy it..
How I got to this state was purely by trial and error–but also through constant communication… I know there are certain limits to my mind—i.e. I need usually at least an hour a day to be alone.. less than this is really bad–and generally 2-3 hours is a good amount to keep me at optimal happiness… I can, of course, be alone for days at a time and get by just fine.. but I have also realized that just getting by is a sorry excuse for a life..
okay.. some more thoughts.. pt 1.
I got your response to our last big discussion on this topic.. and it generated thoughts again…
You may well be just genetically predisposed to introversion… and that is perfectly okay…
Now.. perhaps I see that as okay because I am also fairly introverted.. being around a lot of other people all the time drains me… I need solitary time in order to recharge… (even when we have a bunch of people over here–I tend to go sequester myself in activities–like cooking or cleaning up the kitchen–because if I had to interact with everyone all the time.. I would get totally stressed out…
Of course, you may be talking about a far stronger introversion–not just something that means that you want to be alone sometimes–but that you want to be alone all the time..
Only you can know this–but what I would have to say is this about it…
you have to look at your own priorities here, really look at them to try and figure out what is most important to you.. you may take other people’s priorities into account–but you should only bring them in at a later time..
anyway.. back to the point..
What is more important to you? i.e. how crucial is solitude for you… is it something indispensable?
Natually, I’m assuming that this solitude does something for you.. i.e. that you don’t long for solitude so that you can strive to be in pain etc etc..
also.. how much solitude do you like? i.e. do you like being alone for hours, for days, for weeks or months? What has been your experience here?
Then.. is this need for solitude-which I think is entirely reasonable–more important than your commitment to be a part of the world of and the kids–is it less important… is it about equal?
Only you can know/make reasonable guesses at such things…
of course–this is all sounding quite trite.. and I don’t mean it to be.. personally I experience something similar to what you are now feeling–but due to what I consider my genetic make-up–I don’t think it is nearly as extreme…
concretely–I too need my alone time.. right now, I am experiencing it.. if I don’t get it.. I get way cranky…Added into the story, one should know that Jai is naturally a people person–she likes having a number of close friends around–she gets energy out of crowds when she is performing etc etc…
One might think that this could lead to conflicts… yet it doesn’t.. Jai and I have spoken about it–and she knows that I need my alone time.. that there are times when I just need to go do my stuff without anyone… and she has learned to adapt…
I, however, also know myself well enough to know that I have a tendency to be more alone than is good for me.. although I don’t generally like being around people and won’t make the effort to do so–that in this state, I will often end up getting bored and wasting my time doing things like playing video games.. and then be angry at myself later for not doing something real–thus.. I have also learned to adapt myself and I “let” myself get pulled into more social activities by Jai then I would naturally do myself–and often I enjoy it..
How I got to this state was purely by trial and error–but also through constant communication… I know there are certain limits to my mind—i.e. I need usually at least an hour a day to be alone.. less than this is really bad–and generally 2-3 hours is a good amount to keep me at optimal happiness… I can, of course, be alone for days at a time and get by just fine.. but I have also realized that just getting by is a sorry excuse for a life..
pt. 2
okay.. this has been totally rambling and may not have a point… but they are the rough draft of thoughts that popped up in my mind when I read this.. Overall.. I think your need to be alone is not something inherently bad.. and it need not be something that totally precludes you from continuing your current relationship… depending on how stong the desire really is.. maybe it is so strong that you really do need to break off all of your relationships and go join a monastery.. but the only way you are going to figure it out is to know which priorities of yours are higher–i.e. weighing both your subjective evaluations of solitude vs relationship responsibilities–and adding in external objective evaluations of these things (if you want…personally I don’t do this to a great extent..).. which comes out on top.. and then act accordingly.. of course–the result need not be either/or–it may just be a division of time–50% solititude/50% relationship responsibilities–and you will have to work this out with of course.. but then, this is all stuff you already know…
okay.. I shut up now..
pt. 2
okay.. this has been totally rambling and may not have a point… but they are the rough draft of thoughts that popped up in my mind when I read this.. Overall.. I think your need to be alone is not something inherently bad.. and it need not be something that totally precludes you from continuing your current relationship… depending on how stong the desire really is.. maybe it is so strong that you really do need to break off all of your relationships and go join a monastery.. but the only way you are going to figure it out is to know which priorities of yours are higher–i.e. weighing both your subjective evaluations of solitude vs relationship responsibilities–and adding in external objective evaluations of these things (if you want…personally I don’t do this to a great extent..).. which comes out on top.. and then act accordingly.. of course–the result need not be either/or–it may just be a division of time–50% solititude/50% relationship responsibilities–and you will have to work this out with of course.. but then, this is all stuff you already know…
okay.. I shut up now..