I have held my tongue about this for long enough.

I just heard a radio ad for the Scion xB. “You can’t not look at a Scion xB” said one of the voices. This is true. Just like you can’t not look at a train wreck. Every time I see one I stare at it, in the vain hope that the impenetrable logic behind it’s existence will suddenly become clear in a flash. But I just become more and more mystified.

This… esthetic atrocity is somehow considered the hippest of the hip by a certain crowd. What the hell? I mean, look at it. We are talking about a miniaturized bread truck here. It looks like it should be trundling around a suburban neighborhood, annoying bell jangling, making frequent stops to sell ice cream to small children. This is a car for kids who dreamed of being a FedEx driver when they grew up. It would be at home delivering tiny packages to Barbie & Ken’s house. It is, essentially, a refridgerator with wheels.

How is this cool, folks? How? I’ll tell you how. It’s not. You look like an idiot driving one of these things. Whenever you pull up to a stoplight I expect a dozen clowns to emerge from inside. In twenty years when you’re going over old photos with the family, and you get to the ones where you’re posing proudly next to your Scion, and you start reminiscing about your “baby”, your kids will be trading embarrassed looks. But they won’t be half as embarrassed as you are the day you lose your exhaust system to a speedbump because your oh-so-practical ride has three millimeters of ground clearance.

In summary: Scions look like ass. Go buy another triplane wing for the back of your Civic, and stay away from the brickmobile.

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  1. ROFL! I think the only people who consider it the hippest of the hip is their marketing department.

  2. They look just like little kids’ drawing of vehicles. I think they based them off of those crayon doodles their kids made.

  3. My father thinks the Scion is cool, and has mentioned it several times in the past year. That’s his style — he makes decisions and then talks to people and hopes that they will agree with him.

    I’ve always thought the Scion looks like a Japanese hearse.

  4. The Scion coupe looks good, but I agree with you on this one. It truly is one of the ugliest cars I’ve ever seen. Even worse than the Aztek. So sad.

  5. “This is true. Just like you can’t not look at a train wreck.”
    Hee. How I love the eloquence. 🙂

    1. dagnab “afterthought” comment-posting syndrone

      Though you know, it does kind of have that “breadbox” or “popemobile” appeal. ;p

  6. you know…

    I’ve always thought–since I too think that this box is probably the ugliest car since the volkswagon thing–that the Scion must be some cosmic joke from Toyota… you know.. like some Japanese boardroom came up with the plan “Hey guys, I have an idea, lets see how far we can take those american consumers.. Let’s make this box of a car–really hideously ugly and cheap–and then run a slick advertising campaign to make them think it’s ‘hip and cool and different’ in its clunkiness… and also that they can spend extra money pimping out these little pieces of shit.. And all the while, we can laugh our asses off at how idiotic they look like driving around.. “

    It’s brilliant.. and it apparently worked on a bunch of people..

    I mean.. I cannot find any other reason for this “train wreck” coming out of the offices of the people who make some of the best designed cars in the world…

    it must be a joke…

  7. Some more comments on Scion…

    found these here: http://www.cartalk.com/content/features/uglycar/nominations.html

    Toyota Scion xB

    Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. — Art

    Is the black glass to protect the identity of the geek who’s driving? — Tarek

    Is it full of clowns when you buy it? — Tom

    My kids call the Element and Scion “Lego cars”. But at least you can take a Lego car apart and make something useful out of it. — Beverly

    Did the cleaning lady take the plans for this out of the trash as a joke — and nobody noticed? — Susie

    All the grace of a hippo on stilts. — Chris

    Did they forget to take it out of its shipping crate? — Richard

    A smaller, uglier distant cousin of the Honda Element; it’s inherently unstable, underpowered and hideous to look at. — Steve

    Looks like some sort of milk truck for a Shriner parade. — Will

    Its appearance should serve as an innovative but effective first line of defense against car theft. — Sharon

    When I was younger, my friends and I would make cars out of refrigerator boxes. Never in a million years could I have dreamed we were actually years ahead of our time. — Josh

    Takes the cube to new levels of ugliness. — Jon

  8. I have to believe its related to my Cosmo theory

    I was always amazed that EVERY cosmo i have ever seen while getting groceries had an absolutely horrid outfit on the cover. i finally concluded the effect is supposed to be that the model is supposedly so pretty she can make a bad outfit look good. perhaps the very ugliness of this vehicle works similarly – “i am SO cool that i can drive a car that makes anyone with style wince for hours afterwards and still (allegedly) look cool in it”

  9. First thing out of my mouth before even reading the entry:

    “Holy f*** that’s an ugly car.”

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