I have held my tongue about this for long enough.
I just heard a radio ad for the Scion xB. “You can’t not look at a Scion xB” said one of the voices. This is true. Just like you can’t not look at a train wreck. Every time I see one I stare at it, in the vain hope that the impenetrable logic behind it’s existence will suddenly become clear in a flash. But I just become more and more mystified.
This… esthetic atrocity is somehow considered the hippest of the hip by a certain crowd. What the hell? I mean, look at it. We are talking about a miniaturized bread truck here. It looks like it should be trundling around a suburban neighborhood, annoying bell jangling, making frequent stops to sell ice cream to small children. This is a car for kids who dreamed of being a FedEx driver when they grew up. It would be at home delivering tiny packages to Barbie & Ken’s house. It is, essentially, a refridgerator with wheels.
How is this cool, folks? How? I’ll tell you how. It’s not. You look like an idiot driving one of these things. Whenever you pull up to a stoplight I expect a dozen clowns to emerge from inside. In twenty years when you’re going over old photos with the family, and you get to the ones where you’re posing proudly next to your Scion, and you start reminiscing about your “baby”, your kids will be trading embarrassed looks. But they won’t be half as embarrassed as you are the day you lose your exhaust system to a speedbump because your oh-so-practical ride has three millimeters of ground clearance.
In summary: Scions look like ass. Go buy another triplane wing for the back of your Civic, and stay away from the brickmobile.