WotW in five minutes

So I was summarizing War of the Worlds for a friend, and she insisted I post the transcript…

Tom CRUISE: “Hhi everybody!  I’m hotshot fighter pilot Maverick-er, I mean I’m Loser Everyman-er, no I- OH SHIT!  ALIENS!  XENU HAS RETURNED AND HE’S PISSED!  HOLY LRON HUBBARD SAVE US!”

CRUISE: “whatever I do, I can’t take my eyes off the aliens!  As long as I can see them, they can’t see me!”

CRUISE: “God I hate my kids.  No wait, I love my kids! RUN!!!”

(Cruise and his HORRIBLE CHILDREN run and hide for eight hours)

ZONTAR the ALIEN: “Goddammit Gorlap, I TOLD you we should have settled this planet while it was empty.  But NO.  ‘Those amoebas will never amount to anything’ you said.  ‘Let’s just bury the walkers and take a quick break over on Raknar 4’ you said.  And now just LOOK at the place.  You can’t fucking step without getting primate mush all over your pod.  Do you have any IDEA how long this planet is going to take to clean up?”

(ALIENS stomp around killing people for several hours)

(ALIENS catch cold and DIE)

(A grimy CRUISE and DAUGHTER show up on his in-laws porch.  The family has been chilling, hanging out at the CRAFT SERVICES van and drinking WINE COOLERS while CRUISE has been running his ASS OFF.)

(CRUISE’s HORRIBLE SON returns from the dead)

HORRIBLE SON: I’m somewhat fond of you, dad

CRUISE: I forgive you for being an asshole, son

(BLUE SKIES and RAINBOWS and SUNBEAMS from HEAVEN bloom and all the land is healed.  Once again humankind is saved, not by their own virtues, but because GOD created SLIMY ALIENS after a drunken BENDER and he frankly can’t stand the wretched things.)

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  1. It sounds like Spielburg has caught whatever virus that Lucas did that makes them incapable of any creative thought and strips from them the ability to make a decent movie. I guess, like driving a car, there should be a mandidory retirement age for these aging movie-makers -or at least a test!

    I hope there are no more Star Wars or WoTW movies. These guys need to be put to pasture. Quenton, and a new generation of movie-makers have raised the bar and these old geezers are out of their element today.

  2. Okay my favorite was the aliens talking.

  3. hahaha, thats awsome and so freakin true.

  4. As soon as I stop laughing, I’ll actually comment.

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