Every day I grow more and more inclined to go with my orginal instincts and just write openly and honestly about what’s going on with me, and how I feel, with no friend-filters or anything. I don’t like the involuntary privacy that circumstances have imposed on me. I don’t like the habits that I am learning.
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My instinct is always to bare my soul for the world to see but I have learned over time that it isn’t just my “business” or “soul” I’m always baring. You just have to trust that the people who care enough to read will understand your need for openness if that is what you ultimately decide to do. Keeping things inside is never good.
*hugs*
My problem is that when you are close to other people, by telling your own story you are inevitably telling part of someone else’s story too. And I try to scrupulously respect other people’s wishes about their privacy, which often conflicts with my own desire to be open and transparent.
in some cases, stories can be presented without directly pointing out who other parties are; other times obviously that wont work.
if you believe it is inevitable that you will also tell part of their story, then you can either abstain entirely, or accept that as a given. you may not see it as they do, but perhaps everyone would benefit more from knowing how you actually perceive and react to things. someone else cannot possibly help you see their part diffferently if you never tell them how you really see or feel it.
True, indeed. Although, some people, not all, will try to discern the person of whom one speaks when telling a story this way. That is where trouble (aka “drama”) starts. Also, the person of whom one is speaking, upon reading the tale, will know without a doubt the reference and subsequently feel told upon, at best.
I am a very private person. I go to great lengths to respect others’ privacy, sometimes to the point the tale doesn’t make sense anymore.
It’s a hard call in Avdi’s case. I understand completely where he wants to be on this. It’s the same place I used to be, therefore I sympathize.
I cannot say one way or another what he should do. What he must do, otoh, is what he sees best for him and his.
Good luck, Avdi!
*nodding*… I understand
And I second what said…
I know exactly what you mean. :\
I have been tempted to do that too, but i haven’t because when I am angry i tend to go to extremes.
and having the extreme tirades of my mind let out in public would be a destructive thing.
My tirades need controlling, not to be loosed upon the innocent.
I’d like it if you would share with me your techniques for controlling your tirades. š
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Do it. It is freeing.
I know, I know. You have no idea how much I envy you; you’re doing exactly what I always intended to do. But see my discussion below. It’s hard to be transparent and still respect the privacy wishes of those closest to you. Particularly in Stacey’s case, because little in my life does not involve her, and she’s a very private person. If I had said, five years ago, “before getting involved with me you need to understand that I will talk about my life freely and openly” it might be a different story; but as it is I was not that forward-looking, and I feel I have no right to impose that on her retroactively.
I do not by any means talk about everything. A very recent example was the post about my foster brother: there was much more that could have been said, things he told me that he didn’t specifically say were in confidence, but probably should have been so I kept them that way.
I don;t know either you or stacey very well to make judgements, and this is one of those comments that is likely to piss someone off, but I’m going to say it anyway:
It seems to me that what people think of her matters very much to Stacey. Therefore, if you reveal her feelings and actions, which are often erratic, then she might feel she cannot be honest with you unless she is willing to reveal herself to the entire world.
As we have already established, I’m fairly uncompromising. It is a fallacy to assume that plying spin control on what other people think of you will help you at all. If the opinions of these people matter to you, then of what value is their opinion if you have manipulated it by withholding or spinning information to make you look better or keeep you from looking stupid? If the opinions of these people don’t matter, then why the hell would you care what they think?
Either way, there is no point in hiding yourself from anyone (as long as we are dealing in a personal arena: there are plenty of reasons why say, your employer may not be privy to full disclosure).
Most people NEVER manage to get here because it’s a feedback loop. People’s opinions of us influence our opinion of ourselves, so if we make sure people think that we are a good person, then we can continue to receive positive reinforcement that we are indeed a good person and allow ourselves to believe that. People who need that reinforcement (and we all do) feel threatened when what they perceive as their control of it is taken away by someone else revealing something true, or even something false. This is why rumors are so damaging to people’s esteem whether they are true or not.
Only a person who is secure in their own value can be comfortable with full disclosure. While I feel it is my duty to protect those things my friends and lovers tell me in confidence, it is not my duty to play spin control for others who I know to be too insecure to handle the social consequences of their actions. A relationship cannot be conducted in a white room: there is going to be fallout. It is unfair of Stacey to expect all of her behavior to be kept confidential by default. If she asks that you not disclose something, you certainly shouldn’t, but to expect you to be self-contained about all of the problems in your relationship just so other people don;t think badly of her is unhealthy for both you and the relationship.
Go for it.
I do it. But that’s why I keep my LJ carefully separate from my IRL identity online. (notice I said online. lots of people IRL know what my LJ identity is, but it’s not [at least it isn’t SUPPOSED to be] linked online so that if you’re an employer or something, you can’t look up my name and get my LJ.)