I haven’t been terribly happy, per se, lately; but last night as it got late I slipped into a morose funk. Then when rebekahrae came online I surprised myself with how readily the words came.

I have become jaded, and that saddens terribly. “Join the club”, you say. You don’t understand. This isn’t me. This is not who I am supposed to be. If anything, my role is to be the the antidote to jadedness.

I am so cynical about people anymore. I don’t distrust them, but I don’t see them as beautiful quite the way I used to. There was a time when a new friend was an exciting new world to explore. Now I feel like it’s all territory I’ve walked a hundred times. I meet the coolest people, I really do. But it feels so old, and tired, and faded. There is no longer that frisson of excitement when making a connection, that sense of possibilities.

Now I find myself acutely aware of people’s flaws and weaknesses. And not as wounds or marks that make them unique, but just as items ticked off on a list of reasons to get close, but not get too close. I always knew that everyone was broken, but I guess I hadn’t really internalized it and understood the implications until now.

At least there’s one positive in all this: I think I’m finally cured of putting people on pedestals.

No, no one’s hurt me terribly recently or anything like that. I’m just growing older, and more tired. Giving up on my dreams. Joining the real world.

I used to dream of fortuitous meetings and mythic connections. Dreams pursued hand-in-hand. More and more I am transposing those dreams into the realm of the divine. Songs which once spoke of human love to me now induce only a sick feeling in my chest, until I re-orient my perception of them to exclude the human element.

Everything fades with proximity. There is nothing for me here.

The Sun was born, so it shall die
So only shadows comfort me
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me
Each day shall end as it begins
And though you’re far away from me
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me

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  1. Maybe you need to alter your perception of what beautiful and transcendent is.

  2. hugs.

    You’re always welcome to IM me or come down here and spend time with me. My futon couch is your futon couch.

    I’d love to talk deeply with you more. We can talk deeply and drink mugs of tea, sipping deeply from the warm well of brewed herbs.

  3. Sylphae

    Utterly and completely…just…utterly complete. I have no response to this because it covers everything.

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