I haven’t been in this state for a long time. For as long as I can remember I have been in a kind of malaise at work, barely able to function. A combination of distractions, life stress, vague goals, frustrations, and sheer laziness have meant I’ve been functioning at barely 10% of capacity for… months, at least. Now the schedule has slipped, and we are running on borrowed time. My recent illness didn’t help; but we would have been late anyway. Much of it has to do with factors outside my control.
Maybe it’s the deadline, maybe the sudden series of successes I achieved yesterday, or maybe some wholly unrelated factor. But now, as if some switch had ben flipped in my psyche, I am 100% engaged. Like a long-quiet but powerful machine, covered in dust and neglected, rumbling to life none the worse for wear. I have been literally shaking with energy, anticipation, and sheer lust for work.
Few of you have seen me in this state. Unfortunately, it means that I have little time or patience for tedious concerns outside of work. I have been distant from Stacey. Coming home from work I feel a bit like some ancient hero returning from battle. The last thing I care about is how someone’s day went, or discussions of the more delicate matters of the heart. If I want for any human association at all, it’s for an energetic fuck – and then early to rise and back into the fray. Other than that I would just as well be left alone with my tools and my racing thoughts.
That’s all I have the patience to write. Now back into the thick of it. I probably won’t be available much for IM in the coming days. I’ll be in the lab – slaying dragons and cutting them open to see how they tick.