Sinking my teeth in

I haven’t been in this state for a long time. For as long as I can remember I have been in a kind of malaise at work, barely able to function. A combination of distractions, life stress, vague goals, frustrations, and sheer laziness have meant I’ve been functioning at barely 10% of capacity for… months, at least. Now the schedule has slipped, and we are running on borrowed time. My recent illness didn’t help; but we would have been late anyway. Much of it has to do with factors outside my control.

Maybe it’s the deadline, maybe the sudden series of successes I achieved yesterday, or maybe some wholly unrelated factor. But now, as if some switch had ben flipped in my psyche, I am 100% engaged. Like a long-quiet but powerful machine, covered in dust and neglected, rumbling to life none the worse for wear. I have been literally shaking with energy, anticipation, and sheer lust for work.

Few of you have seen me in this state. Unfortunately, it means that I have little time or patience for tedious concerns outside of work. I have been distant from Stacey. Coming home from work I feel a bit like some ancient hero returning from battle. The last thing I care about is how someone’s day went, or discussions of the more delicate matters of the heart. If I want for any human association at all, it’s for an energetic fuck – and then early to rise and back into the fray. Other than that I would just as well be left alone with my tools and my racing thoughts.

That’s all I have the patience to write. Now back into the thick of it. I probably won’t be available much for IM in the coming days. I’ll be in the lab – slaying dragons and cutting them open to see how they tick.

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  1. Some people seem to function in modes. Sounds like you are in a very “productive” mode. Best suggestion I can make it to make the most of it.

    You might try keeping a small notebook with you, an “Idea log”. I have found that ultra-driven modes tend to lead to ideas popping into your head. Write them down and forget about them, explore them later…

    1. Oddly, I don’t think this is a particularly idea-rich time for me. Normally, I’m popping off ideas at a rate of a few per hour – the problem is I never have the motivation to actually make them into realities. Whereas now I’m just super-focused on the task at hand.

      1. Well then, perhaps you need to do the opposite… dig out old ideas and focus on them when the work is tapering off…

        Either way… good luck with it.

  2. emergency mode kick in?
    sometimes I think that is the only way I really function well, pumped full of adrenaline and nearly angry in my determination to get it done.

    doesn’t do well at home at all….

    1. Perhaps. ALthough for an emergency mode, there’s a surprising lack of panic.

    2. that sound about right.

  3. ah to be bipolar on the upswing…

    1. That’s also what popped into my head.

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