I am suffering from a benign depression.
I don’t want to kill myself, or make any other drastic and ill-considered life changes. I don’t want to drink (but then, when have I ever dealt with depression by drinking?). I’m not staring blindly at the walls. I’m even getting work done, albeit without any real drive.
It’s just that when I wake up in the morning, I don’t feel like getting out of bed. And when I get home from work I feel utterly exhausted, even though I haven’t done much.
Last night I came home in that state. I had gotten out of work too late to go to my meditation group. I stopped at Starbucks (I know, I know; but there’s nowhere else in my town to get a latte at 8PM). I sat down in a corner and leaned my head against the wall and sipped my latte and closed my eyes, and it felt so good to do that. To just tune out, let the coffee and the quiet folk music and the murmur of conversation carry me downstream.
I realized this morning that what I most want to do right now is go to a beach, somewhere that is still warm, and just lie there and close my eyes. Don’t get me wrong, I love the cold and the snow. But something in me craves that quiet immensity that I can get lost in.