I had a great time LARPing Friday night. My roleplaying is still a little shaky, but improving. It’s incredibly scary pretending to be a giant flirt. Growing up isolated the way I did, I never intentionally flirted with anyone in my life. Well, unless you count some IM conversations with Stacey during our super-brief courtship. I’ve been told I flirt unconsciously, but I’m not even sure what that means. Apparently being polite and personable is flirting, if the recipient is a female.
So walking up to random women and chatting them up is totally foreign territory to me. There was a moment Friday when one of the targets of my attentions reacted coldly (in-character), and instead of being smooth, devil-may-care Anson Tyrell, I turned into panicked, smooth-things-over Avdi again. Ah well. It’s a learning experience.
Also had a sizable bombshell dropped in my lap toward the end of the night. Back-room political machinations lead to me being elevated, to my shock (both in and out of character), from an unremarkable knight to one of the highest offices in the land. I’m as clueless about the position as my character, but since I’m basically a puppet that shouldn’t be too much of a problem. The upside is that hopefully I will have more to do at games, and there won’t be as many dead periods where everyone is engaged in Big Important Secret Things and poor apolitical Anson has nothing to do but raid the refreshments table and keep an eye out for unoccupied Ladies.
On the other hand, it’s unhealthy for me to have these attachments. The emotional attachment of worrying about what she’s doing or thinking. The attachment to the past, bringing it into the present instead of letting her just be who she is now. And maybe it’s true that I’ll never learn to trust again if I don’t give her the opportunity to prove herself.
Distrust is another foreign territory to me. I tend to trust people by default, and it takes a lot to break that trust. But being unaccustomed to distrust, I don’t know how to move on from it. I remember talking to my shrink about it, but I don’t remember him having a lot of helpful suggestions.
I just keep thinking, isn’t it OK to have certain things that are “yours”, that you don’t share with your partner? Or is that selfish (in a bad way)?
Today the sky is clear blue and I want nothing more than to take off and drive, but I promised myself I’d do our taxes this weekend.
Have I mentioned I need a vacation recently?