When seeing other people being happy and having fun together triggers crankiness in yourself, you can be fairly certain of two things:
- Something’s wrong; and
- It’s nobody’s problem but yours.
I went to a LARP event yesterday with Stacey and
. I would like to think that my crankiness and discomfort could be chalked up entirely to a) the fact that I was progressively building up to a splitting headache all afternoon; b) I felt flushed and hot the whole time; and c) lingering tension about having Stacey playing. But it doesn’t feel like that was the case. It feels like there was something more, something coming from within, and I’ve been introspecting all morning trying to divine what it was. I have a few insights, but I’m not at all sure I’ve gotten to the bottom of it.
Against my better judgement, when we got home last night I asked Stacey about something she had said that had mildly upset me at the time, and in the ensuing discussion wound up giving her the full force of my pent-up crankiness, my exhaustion from driving in the rain for 2.5 hours, and a category 5 headache. Not a good ending to the evening, for either of us.
Back to the crankiness– I have been plagued by this allergy to human interaction in one form or another for as long as I can remember, and it has got to stop. I’m not who I used to be. I’m not latently depressed anymore, so I can’t just say “that’s just the way I am”. I’m not desperately shy anymore. At least 80% of the time I am, to quote VNV Nation, “not alone, not afraid, not unhappy”. This is not who I am.
On a possibly unrelated note, I’ve noticed a developing theme in my dreams lately. I’m always cuddling with someone, some friend or acquaintance from real life, or someone In know in the dream. It’s rarely the same person, although it’s almost always a girl. And while it may occasionally be more, it’s usually just cuddling. It can’t just be about having a straight-up cuddle deficit, because cuddling is one thing that Stacey and I have always been very much on the same page about.