“Give me strength to find the road that’s lost in me–“

When seeing other people being happy and having fun together triggers crankiness in yourself, you can be fairly certain of two things:

  • Something’s wrong; and
  • It’s nobody’s problem but yours.

I went to a LARP event yesterday with Stacey and

. I would like to think that my crankiness and discomfort could be chalked up entirely to a) the fact that I was progressively building up to a splitting headache all afternoon; b) I felt flushed and hot the whole time; and c) lingering tension about having Stacey playing. But it doesn’t feel like that was the case.  It feels like there was something more, something coming from within, and I’ve been introspecting all morning trying to divine what it was.  I have a few insights, but I’m not at all sure I’ve gotten to the bottom of it.

Against my better judgement, when we got home last night I asked Stacey about something she had said that had mildly upset me at the time, and in the ensuing discussion wound up giving her the full force of my pent-up  crankiness, my exhaustion from driving in the rain for 2.5 hours, and a category 5 headache.  Not a good ending to the evening, for either of us.

Back to the crankiness– I have been plagued by this allergy to human interaction in one form or another for as long as I can remember, and it has got to stop.  I’m not who I used to be.  I’m not latently depressed anymore, so I can’t just say “that’s just the way I am”.  I’m not desperately shy anymore.  At least 80% of the time I am, to quote VNV Nation, “not alone, not afraid, not unhappy”.  This is not who I am.

On a possibly unrelated note, I’ve noticed a developing theme in my dreams lately.  I’m always cuddling with someone, some friend or acquaintance from real life, or someone In know in the dream.  It’s rarely the same person, although it’s almost always a girl.  And while it may occasionally be more, it’s usually just cuddling.  It can’t just be about having a straight-up cuddle deficit, because cuddling is one thing that Stacey and I have always been very much on the same page about.

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  1. Including myself, you are the fifth person to say that a headache interfeared with that game event. David and I were MAJORLY cranky! Linda and I didnt even feel like larping. We LOVE larping!

    I think it was the drive and the weather. I almost couldnt make it back home afterwards. It was too much!

    That game drives me bonkers sometimes because its so much about the map. I just want to play the court game….anyway….

    We are very glad you are with us!

    1. Thanks for the kind comments both here and at the event. It makes me feel better.

      I think next game I’m just going to bring ye Flask of In-Character, aka bourbon. Then you better watch that 16th-century ‘ump, ’cause Anson’s gonna be gettin’ his game on…

  2. I’ve been having cuddle dreams too. Maybe it’s the weather.

  3. I’ve been told I am a good cuddler. I hope you find workable resolution to all of this soon.

  4. Re: dream girls & cuddling – ref. Jung.

    Most of the time every object/person in our dreams is a representation of some aspect of our own personae.

    The girls in your dreams that you’re cuddling with that you know, do you recognize anything about them that reminds you of some part of yourself?

    Cuddling is a nurturing action. Some would even argue that sex is also a nurturing action. So, cuddling and then maybe beyond sometimes, is, maybe, you nurturing some aspect of yourself. (How was that for an overuse/abuse of commas?)

    Just some brainstorming thoughts.

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