To let go

As hinted at in my last post, we spent the day in New York City.  The occasion was the Princess’ 13th birthday.  It’s a big number and we wanted to make it special for her.

At some point today I got to thinking about what it would take to give me a “special day”.  And I realized that one of the nicest things someone could do for me would be to take me on on outing during which I never once felt the need to take charge, make decisions, sort things out, or otherwise be responsible.

I have a deeply ingrained sense of responsibility, a need to be on top of things and totally prepared at all times.  Some of it is inherent in my character, and some of it learned, I think.  I am not ambitious person by nature; rather the opposite.  But I have found myself in situations where I must rely on myself; or wherein others are at a loss, have dropped the ball. or have failed to sufficiently prepare; often enough that I feel compelled to always be ready to take up the slack.  And I often feel resentful as a result, because being in charge isn’t really something I enjoy, it’s just a matter of necessity.

Just as an example, this is the reason I rarely drink much in company.  Because too often I’ve found it necessary to deal with some logistical, emotional, housekeeping or health crisis while others are drinking.  There’s always a little voice in the back of my head warning me to keep it together because I can’t count on anyone else to do so.

I’m the one who makes lists whenever there is some event to be prepared for, and reminds others of the things they  have forgotten.
If someone really wanted to make my day, they’d arrange a day that was so impeccably planned, so carefully overseen that I could actually put my sense of responsibility on hold for once, and rest easy knowing that things were in good hands.  They would write lists and check them twice; they would call ahead to verify; they would familiarize themselves with the relevant geography beforehand; and just generally be anal retentive about the whole thing.  They would take initiative and make decisions.

That would be a nice way to spend a day.

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  1. I *totally* get where you’re coming from. I generally like planning and being in charge, but I resent it when I *have* to do it because others aren’t capable or willing.

    A “special day” for me would be similar to yours– it’d mean someone knowing me well enough to feel confident picking places I’d like to go (and knowing also that I’m laid back enough not to be critical of their choices), making all the arrangements, giving me no big choices to make, DRIVING, and essentially telling me, “here’s the general dress code for the day, be pretty and ready to go at X time.”

    That’d be HEAVEN to me.

  2. You have nicely explained why I find submission so appealing most of the time.

    1. My submit button is greyed out

      If only I could have all that without the actual, you know, submitting part.

  3. That….THAT…is why…ahem…SOME PEOPLE….like to be tied up and spanked.

    1. I hear you, but it’s like I responded to … it’s not about submitting to someone. Which is not a rejection of the possibility, just saying that it wouldn’t address this particular desire.

  4. Maybe you need to relax a bit sometimes and let yourself think “what’s the worst that can happen?” You’re going somewhere and you don’t get there, well maybe you get somewhere else way cooler. You try to do something and it’s cancelled, maybe you end up having a deep meaningful conversation instead. Perhaps it’s a male thing because Jason also often feels this way to like everything must be checked and double checked. To me if the goal is to have fun then I’m going to have fun whether I end up doing what I meant to or not. No one can elminate all unforseen potential problems. If someone did that for you would youo really be able to let go and trust them anyway?

    1. You make a valid point about me, and probably guys in general. But the thing is, I can relax and enjoy when I have the opportunity. Unfortunately, what often happens is that I get all set to have a nice relaxing day kicking back and enjoying whatever comes along, and then people start looking at me and asking me what to do next, or which way to go, etc., or to save their overdue project, etc. I wouldn’t feel so compelled to be responsible if the people around me would either a) be responsible; or b) not look to me when they drop the ball.

      Grumble grumble grumpf.

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