So, how’s it feel to be a father?
Same as it’s felt for the last eight years, mostly. I suppose there’s a certain gratification in having passed actual genetic material on to the next generation, and this is the first time I’ve actually cared for an infant; but parenthood is parenthood. Anyone who believed I was going to see the world in a whole new light the moment my son was born was (perhaps unintentionally) making light of the profound changes and adjustments the past eight years of parenting had already wrought.
Isn’t he the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen
No. Don’t get me wrong, I love him dearly. But all babies are born looking vaguely like John McCain. That’s why God caused pregnancy to give women a temporary case of hormonal beer goggles.
Does he take after you or Stacey?
What part of he looks like a baby don’t you understand? But if I must be more specific, he was born looking like a cross between E.T. and Captain Jean-Luc Picard. These days he looks more like this guy:
OH LOOK AT THE WITTLE BABY HES SO WITTLE AND TINY AND CAN I TOUCH HIM AND HOW OLD IS HE OH ISNT HE JUST THE CUTEST–
I swear if one more ovary-brained zombie homes in on me while I’m carrying Kashti in a public space I’m going to start carrying a sawed-off in the diaper bag.
Are you getting any sleep?
(Said knowingly, with a wink, as from one parent to another.)
NO. If you have done this before you know damn well that I’m not getting enough sleep, and thank you so much for fucking reminding me. You have no idea how much I want to just talk and talk about my sleep deficit. I mean, there’s just so much to say on the subject! I’m not getting enough sleep. I’m not getting enough sleep. The baby keeps me up half the night. I’m not getting enough sleep. Boy, this is some stimulating conversation right here, about a subject that is near and dear to my heart! If I didn’t have sleep and the lack thereof to talk about I’d just be a conversational black hole. What’s that? Don’t expect to have another full night of sleep for the next six years? Why thank you for that amusing, informative and totally original observation! I have not heard more welcome and wholly unexpected news since the fall of the Berlin wall! Ha ha! I will kill you in your sleep!