Ladies and Gentleman, whenever I consider the bill before us, HR1337 the “Cookies Received by All Children Kontinuously” act, I can’t help but remember a letter I received from a young boy, age 8, named Will U. Piteemee. Little Billy said that he sometimes goes without cookies for as much as a week at a time. He said that all of his friends make fun of him and exclude them from their special cookie-eating clubs. Recently, his father, unable to cope with the shame of not being able to provide cookies to his son, turned gay and ran off with a hobo, taking “Burpy”, the family anteater, with him. Left without a source of income, and unable to make up the slack by selling anteater rides, his mother was forced to take a job working 26 hours a day at a local dirt factory. Unfortunately, she still couldn’t make ends meet, and the bank foreclosed on their house. They now share a leaky upturned barrel with a one-eyed tomcat named “Ole’ Scratch”. Billy collects and sells discarded Gillette Mach 3 razor cartridges in order to afford the treatment for his mother’s leukemia.
Billy asked me if I could make the cookies once again fall from the sky, borne gently down by gaily colored helium balloons, as they once did. I ask you, Ladies and Gentlemen, can you in good conscience deny Billy his cookies? Can you?