And so once again, as the dust settles, and my excuses and misdirections dissipate, I find myself once again with hands clasped firmly around my own neck. The same old question reasserts itself: am I, in fact, fit for human company? Inevitably there comes a point when the fragile connections I strive to build become, in my eyes, so many entangling webs. And I long to kick and struggle and rip and escape their confines, flying away with the sun at my back and the endless horizon ahead and nary a look behind.
For a little while. I will always long for your arms again. I can’t live with or without you. Catlike, I crave affection but on my own terms. Human contact is a drug to me: seductive, addictive, and easy to overdose on. A crowd transforms in an instant from a warm embrace into a clanging cage, full of senseless maddening echoes. Even your love is a tender trap: you would wrap me up in yourself, surround my like think blankets in winter. And I crawl willingly, eagerly into your cocoon – but cocoons are made to be escaped. Are you just the unlucky site of my metamorphosis? No, I won’t allow that. But bear with me; I am feral, nosing fearfully out of a long-silent wood. How can I explain to you the fear that your vision of oneness engenders? How to make you understand the way my feet pull me, almost of their own accord, out and away from you, from everyone?
Please forgive me for the blame and the aimless anger when I feel that tug, without realizing what it is that unnerves me. I tense up for a fight when all around me are friends. Distancing words drop like cold lead from my mouth and I scarcely notice or care – at the time. Like a man escaping an inferno, all I can think of is the cool air on my face and in my hair after I break free. I do not know if I was made for solitude. But years of it have worked their way into my blood and I can’t go without for long. When the need becomes acute, I long to drop everything and run. I hope you can understand. I hope you will always be waiting for me when I inevitably force my legs to slow, turn, and carry my prodigal heart home.
Are you fit for human company? Probably more often than I am. There was a time when I literally had no friends, because I didn’t deserve them, but that was long ago. I’m sure you’ve never been that way. I’d like to think I’ve learned a thing or two since then. I have no doubt you’ll do as well if not better.
There’s a difference between deserving and suited. I believe I am deserving of company; sometimes I’m not so sure if I’m well suited to it.
I used that word of me. I never thought of you as being “undeserving”. I tend to believe, these days, that “deserve” is irrelevant, but rather, it’s a matter of the paths we choose and the natural consequences of those paths.
Not sure exactly who that was addressed to, but I’ll admit I was starting to wonder if i had pissed you off.
You? No. Where did you get that impression?
I never truly realized it, but you are almost 100% introverted. I think I’ve seen maybe 2 extraverted tendencies within you, at all.
What you are describing is classic introversion. Like anything else, introversion has a healthy and an unhealthy side. Unfortunately you’ve been pulled towards the more dysfunctional of the two.
Setting that aside, you’re also describing the classic male tendency called “rubber band syndrome.” You men can only be warm and loving for so long, then you have to distance yourselves for a time and eventually you’ll come back. But woe to the person who tries to keep you from having that much needed time.
Don’t worry about this. I understand what was going on in your head. This need be no more than a friendly spat between any of the parties involved. Besides, it’s not the moodiness that concerned me when I talked with you; it was the things that are causing it.
Thank you for understanding.
A song came to mind, kind of cliché, kind of nostalgic. I hope you don’t mind me quoting an old CCM favorite for a response.
Against the window pane.
I remain your closest friend,
And wish you back again.
You wonder how I feel;
You think you’ve pushed too far.
If only you could see this pen
Scribbling down my heart.
I’ll be waiting.
I may be young or old and gray,
Counting the days,
But I’ll be waiting,
And when I finally see you come,
I’ll run when I see you–
I’ll meet you.
But still the days drag on.
Why did you decide to go?
Did you only need to see
What only time can show?
I’ll be waiting.
I may be young or old and gray,
Counting the days,
But I’ll be waiting,
And when I finally see you come,
I’ll run when I see you.
And even if
You never do return,
Still I will have learned
How to love you better.
I’ll be waiting.
I may be young or old and gray,
Counting the days,
But I’ll be waiting,
And when I finally see you come,
I’ll run to meet you.
Thank you angel 🙂
which brought a song to my mind
let me just say, opening up to people musically is more personal for me than discussing sex, family or politics. this may well be the first lyric offering I have done on LJ. If you don’t know the song – please simply accept my word that NO snide undertone is offered in this gift.
“I’ll Come Running” – Brian Eno (Another Green World)
I’ll find a place somewhere in the corner
I’m gonna waste the rest of my days
Just watching patiently from the window
Just waiting seasons change, some day
Oh, oh, my dreams will pull you through that garden gate.
I want to be the wandering sailor
We’re silhouettes by the light of the moon
I sit playing solitaire by the window
Just waiting seasons change, ah, ah
You’ll see, one day, these dreams will pull you through my door
And I’ll come running to tie your shoe
And I’ll come running to tie your shoe.
Re: which brought a song to my mind
I remember that album, and “Taking Tiger Mountain”. I had them on vinyl. That brings back memories.
Re: which brought a song to my mind
nowadays i could of course just go on ebay, but when i acquired it, finding another green world on CD was a bit of a task – a labour of love though. i think you might enjoy his explanation of “backwards” lyrics http://www.livejournal.com/users/__batgirl__/35573.html