Before I dive in once again, a side note derived from an imaginary conversation with someone asking me what my motivation for all this soul-searching is.
First, this is an elaborate attempt to not throw out the baby with the bathwater. When I cast off the faith of my youth, I came to the then-surprising conclusion that I wasn’t losing half of my identity in doing so. This is an effort to prove that observation right.
Second. My habitual tendency is to allow my critically rational side to be dominant in all things. But while the rational side is an excellent provider and protector, it’s a lousy nurturer. I am a robot, but I am also an animal. This is an attempt to acknowledge the animal.
So, you have no fear of hell?
Oh, I can’t deny that on very rare occasions I feel that faintly lingering, conditioned fear. But since I have no particular reason to believe in it, no, on the whole I don’t.
It may help that my christian background is such that even if it all turns out to be literaly true, I believe there’s a good chance heaven would welcome me. My religious education was pretty heavy on the grace aspect; I never believed that I would go to hell if I happened to die before I got a chance to repent of my most recent sins. If God is the God I was brought up to believe in, he knows I haven’t closed the door.
I know just what you mean.