Conversation with a friend clarified my feelings, as it always does.

In my mind, money equates to the ability to be spontaneous and irresponsible, I have always had an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. I’ve always felt that it was essential to get everything right, to never fall apart, to never let anyone down. Since getting married, I’ve felt it even stronger than before. And even now, no matter what I may contemplate, I know that I’ll choose to keep slogging on, keep fulfilling my obligations as best I can – because that’s all I would ever allow myself to do.

But back when I had more money, I could do little spontaneous, irresponsible things now and then. I could decide to jet off to see a friend over the weekend on the spur of the moment. Or buy a nice new PC. Or a $200 coffee grinder. Or take a friend out to a nice dinner. I didn’t splurge all the time; for the most part I was quite frugal. But it gave me a sense of freedom, and at least the illusion of sponteneity. And having savings made me feel like if I ever did fall apart, have a nervous breakdown, or otherwise fuck up, I’d have a safety net.

Monday night at the airport it was painful looking at the planes and knowing I wouldn’t be getting on one and flying away. Not that I wanted to escape. I just love to fly, and I miss flying. I love to travel, period.

I can’t get away. I can’t stop. I can’t even slow down. I can’t fall apart. It all depends on me. And I can’t keep up.

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  1. Southwest Airlines bro…

    I kid you not, I struggle much the same as you….and Southwest with flights as low as $22 regionally, and sometimes as low as $67 for flights across the country has opened up much spontanaity for me.


    It’s how I met Ms. Parsley!

  2. There’s a wide range of spontaneity available to those without money. Not as wide a range as to those with, but still substantial. Learn the free and cheap resources of your area. You can always head down to the smithsonian some random afternoon (you’re near Baltimore, right?) or visit a friend who’s relatively nearby (subscribe to the southwest specials e-mail list regarding farther friends). You may not be able to buy a new computer just like so, but you can always install a new desktop environment (apt-get can handle GNOME, right?). Often putting together something cool on almost no budget is more fun than doing it with an adequate budget.

    I can’t comment on the stability, but don’t give up on spontaneity.

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