The natural bias of the journaling medium is towards the negative. At least it is for those who, like me, journal primarily as a means of self-analysis with the intent of establishing a coherent personal narrative. The tendency in non-trivial entries is to write about the bad stuff in order to understand and/or to deal with it. Positive experiences are glanced over, if mentioned at all, because they would seem to require no analysis. I don’t intend to rectify this slant; it’s the nature of the beast. But an occasional counterpoint is, perhaps, in order. Thus, the following.
I am, on all measures I can think of doing well, if not very well. Our financial situation, ever a source of stress, is no longer at red alert level. I am content and on good terms with avivahg, and getting along well with the kids. I am exercising every day, which is having a beneficient effect on my self-image, as well as more subtle effects on various aspects of my physiology. I am happy with the pace at which my nascent spirituality is moving forward. I am meditating nearly every day, and doing my best to practice mindfullness, non-attachment, and compassion in all aspects of my life. While my to-do list is as long as ever, I feel that I am more or less on top of things at the moment. I have been taking care to take note fo and enjoy the warm sunlight and sweet air of Spring at every opportunity. Perhaps because of this attentiveness, this Spring seems more lovely than any in recent memory. My sex life is not what I would once have defined as optimal, but my sex drive has been trailing off for a long time now. It still has it’s spikes, but the long-term trend seems clear: I’m slowly losing interest.
As a result of all this, I am largely content with my life. My complaints are small, and manageable.
There is, however, a small cloud in otherwise clear skies. I want to be alone.
This is a latent and long-lived issue. It is the reason, I think, that avivahg often feels ambushed by my unhappiness and dissatisfaction even at what appear to be the best of times. When she and I are at odds, angry and in pain, I write off this impulse as only natural, under the circumstances. “Of course I don’t want to be around her” I think to myself, “she’s making me angry!”. It is in the calm periods that it’s quiet but stubborn refusal to go away most troubles me. Because it is during those times that I know it is not due to any perceived failing on avivahg‘s part. It is something specific to me. I want to be alone.
And so I find myself interrogating myself periodically. Why this obstinate urge? Is it merely grass-is-always-greenerism? That possibility has often suggested itself. I know that it is not the desire for someone different; it is purely an impulse to be alone, not to find out what I might be missing or to sow some wild oats. In fact, of late I have often found the idea of a monastic life appealing.
It seems to me that I may have become addicted to being alone during my years of solitude; or at least so well adapted to it that I am uncomfortable in any other situation for long periods of time.
Or perhaps I am just genetically predisposed to a solitary lifestyle.
All this should put my recent post about adapting vs. changing the environment in more perspective. Whence this rogue impulse? And regardless of which of the possibilities above is the true reason, what am I to do? Where do I draw the line between characteristics which define Avdi, and adaptations which only harm myself and those around me and should be excised from my psyche?
This is the question which troubles me. But do not be overly concerned. As I said above, I am, on the whole, doing very well.