“What did we ever do to you, movie?!”

So for her birthday this year, the Princess requested that we go see Eragon, which happened to be opening on the same day. She’s a big fan of the book, and while no one else in our family has read it we were all looking forward to a fun fantasy romp. After all, It’s got dragons and swords and farmboys… what could go wrong?

By ten minutes into the movie the pain had passed the Star Wars: Episode 1 threshold… and it was just getting started.  Around halfway through the birthday girl actually asked if we could leave the film because, in her words, “this movie is BAD!”.  We were only too happy to acquiesce.   I stumbled out of the theater, clutching my head and moaning, wishing I could wash the badness out of my brain.

Nutshell review: Eragon sucks on toast, with a side of bacon.  Even Mike Nelson would have a hard time getting through it.  Avoid at all costs.

EDIT: Oh good, I’m not the only one.

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  1. I heard

    That critics are panning the movie. That just makes me want to see it all the more because critics are usually wrong.

    But if you didn’t like it then that means something. If it is even worse than the Star Warts then I can’t bear to see it.

    They were showing Suckisode 3 at Home Depot on one of the display big screen TV’s (yeah, Home Depot is selling big screen TV’s now -who would have thought it!) and I glanced over to see a big light-saber battle where little dork-lord jedi and a young Obi-wan are cutting up a bunch of blenders robot soldiers.

    They get done cutting up bots and extinguish their bright phallic symbols and the dark one says, “I sense Count Dooku!” -I just had to laugh my ass off.

    I came back later and it was the part where Obi-wan and a red-eyed Anikkan are fighting improbably in a lava flow. I had to laugh -then the arm-cutting off zone came and that was even funnier.

    You were my brother!

    God, George Lucas sucks ass…

    1. Re: I heard

      In the car today, we realized that Santa Claus is an anagram for Satan Lucas.

  2. We were going to go see it for Autumn’s birthday, so thanks or the warning! I’m sorry it bombed on your darling’s birthday!

    1. Eh, she had a good time anyway. Hope you find a better show for Autumn’s b-day!

  3. What I find so comical is the bazillion references to a clone of Star Wars. One quote I read “Essentially a clone of Star Wars put into medieval times.” Um…too me, this just shows how few people out there understand science fiction and fantasy.

    Star Wars was a clone of classical fantasy simply brought into the future.

    Old Wizened Wizard
    Young heroic peasant come knight
    Evil Black Knight
    Young imprisoned Princess
    Swashbuckling anti-hero support for young knight
    Faithful talking steed

    These are the very common elements of a great many fantasy tales new and old. All of which are clearly present in Star Wars. Even the swords are retained (albeit in the form of light sabers)

    Obi Wan Kenobi – Old Wizened Wizard
    Luke Skywalker – Young heroic peasant come knight
    Darth Vader – Evil Black Knight
    Leia Organa – Young imprisoned Princess
    Han Solo – Swashbuckling anti-hero support for young knight
    R2-D2 – Faithful talking steed (this is perhaps the most missed element. In the vast majority of fantasies there is a faithful steed be it Perseus’ Pegasus or a dragon or Zorro’s horse. Often the main hero is the only one of the common characters who can understand the steed albeit other wise characters will be able to do so as well. So how does R2-D2 fit into this role fulfilling a long-standing type. Note that in most cases C-3PO must translate for R2-D2 however it is quite common for Luke to dialogue with the little droid. But how is the droid Luke’s steed? Well, R2-D2 is placed into the X-wing starfighter and Luke is often dialoging with the little droid in the space battles. It is here where the completeness of R2-D2 in the role of the steed manifests.)

    Oh well,…I guess that “A” I received in college for my Honors level course on “Science Fiction Film” has it’s use after all. *lol*

    1. No, I don’t think you understand.

      There’s classic myth-cycle similarity, which every fantasy movie shares with star wars.

      And then there’s THIS movie, in which scenes are simply copied whole-cloth from Star Wars.

      At the point where Eragon is sitting on his farm, staring at the sunset and the music swells up, Stacey started doing her best Aunt Beru impression (“Luke? Luuuuuke”) and I leaned over and commented that all he could think about was Tashi station and power converters.

      Trust me, there is merit to the complaints in this case.

  4. I’d do just about anything for bacon.

  5. I’d heard it was bad. Brian checked out the demo for the Xbox 360 game, and said that was bad… both graphics and gameplay. I had high hopes for the movie, but alas. Maybe I’ll wait till it hits the dollar theater.

    A friend called last night and said “Eragon” was great… “along the same lines as Lord of the Rings! We loved it,” he said. Ha.

    1. along the same lines as Lord of the Rings! We loved it,

      Well, the “hero”, Eragon, does bear a striking resemblance to Sam Gamgee in LotR. And it’s more than skin-deep, in that he’s dumb as a post. Actually, come to think of it, comparing the two is an insult to Sam.

      1. *sigh* I hated LotR too.

        Another friend saw “Eragon” today and told me, “It wasn’t a bad movie. Just don’t think that it has anything to do with the book. Think of it mroe as a movie that just happens to have the same name.”

        And I understand they left the movie on a cliffhanger… assuming they make a sequel.

        1. Trust me, it was a bad movie all on it’s own.

  6. I’m sorry it sucked for the birthday girl, but the book was so bad that there’s really no way the movie could have been good unless it had been put into the most capable of hands. Whose hands those might be, I’ve no idea.

    1. I think these hands are the only ones capable of doing it justice.

    2. oh my… someone besides me who disliked the book? My daughter loves the thing. And that’s amazing ’cause she does not like to read normally.

      oh well. I’ll suffer through her reading it to me. And try not to laugh

  7. Oy. We’ve already promised my nephew that we’ll take him on Thursday. Thanks for the warming though. Going into a movie that is bad and knowing it’ll be bad can make the movie somewhat enjoyable. Going into a movie, thinking it will be good, only to find it to be bad just makes me angry.

    Not that I expected much from the film. The books, while impressive for a 15 year old author, were awful. I simply cannot read about yet another farm boy discovering he is the one who will save the world with his magical powers but must first learn to use those powers over the course of 10 or so 500 page novels, each costing at least 20 dollars in hardback form.

    Robert Jordan made me a trifle bitter I suppose.

    Then again, Tolken somewhat followed this theme, yet Gandalf never took to ‘teaching’ Frodo, and in the end, the Heros of the novel were regular people with no speical powers other then the ring, which wasn’t so much a power as a temptation.

    1. Hear, hear. I think the part where I started to die a little inside was when Aragor-, er, Obi-W-er, Brom calls Farmboy on being a willowy castrato and not exactly warrior material. Farmboy summons all of his half-a-ball and heatedly responds:

      H3y! 1 h4ve l337 sk1||$. i c4n 0wnz0r j00.

      So Morpheus-er, Brom says “show me”, and you’ll never guess what happens next. That’s right, a montage, in which Prune teaches Luke, er, Wesley 30-odd years of swordfighting technique by hitting him with sticks by the shore of a scenic river for five minutes, while inspiring music swells in the background.

  8. aw

    The flight scenes were worth the squick factor. The reaming out of the two girls discussing the actor’s looks was worth the fact that the plot holes were rampant. The fact that my princess was telling the lead character “NO! Don’t you read fanfic? You go you die!” was totally priceless.

    And the scenery was great… I loved the sharp mountain ranges

    oh… the movie?

    mmm… we’re talking about the actual movie? The one based off a book written by a 14 year old boy? Where they took elves and turned them human ’cause they did not want to deal with pointy ears? And changed characters around completely?


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