The Larval Nice Guy

I’ve gone out and obtained a good job. I’ve learned to cook, clean and be a handy man. I’ve made a good home that we can some day raise kids in. I’ve tried to learn as much as I can to be the smart, intelligent person you’ve been looking for but you still haven’t called. I know cars, women’s fashions, computers and I’m a really good listener, I swear – I watch Oxygen just to test myself by listening and repeating the dialogue of whatever show happens to be on. I can carry a months worth of groceries from the car to the kitchen in one trip. I can make it through an entire clothes shopping trip without complaining and we don’t even have to try on lingerie. I’ve stopped watching porn because it is disrespectful to women (okay thats a lie, but I really did try – that is a lie too but I thought about it). I’m pretty good about saving money. I love to go on trips, especially cruises.

This hits a little close to home, because I used to be this guy. Deserately trying to do everything I could to be the perfect Mr. Right. I just forgot one little thing – the same thing Mr. Nice Guy above is missing: figuring out what I liked and wanted out of life.

Here’s what is going to happen to this guy if he doesn’t shape up. He’ll get hooked up with some seemingly perfect girl. Then in six months he’ll be asking why she just doesn’t seem to care that much about his company even though he does everything “right”, in and a year he’ll be annoying all his friends with constant crying jags about why did she leave him and what did he do wrong?

The thing that will hurt the most will be the fact that she left him for an asshole who wears a baseball cap backwards and races souped-up import cars for fun. And what he’ll never understand is that she left him for Mr. Juvenile because at least ricer-boy cares deeply about something other than his girlfriend. Human beings – girl or otherwise – are attracted to other people who are passionate about something. Even if that something is as stupid as a Honda Civic with a ridiculous spoiler on the back.

See also the classic Nice Guy Rant.

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  1. Joshua Kundert December 6, 2010 at 19:23

    Ha! Dude learned all the basics for “being a good human” as I see it. Now he needs to learn “how to be an actual person” rather than just a collection of traits….

  2. That's a very good way of putting it!

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