Line Noise

I’m wound too tightly. I need to figure out ways to reliably chill myself out. I like the feeling of being laid back. I like taking life as it comes, and keeping things in perspective. I’m not any good at it, though. I’m only laid back when things are going well.

The funny thing is, I used to think of myself as a laid-back person. Heck, that’s how friends thought of me. I guess that’s because I don’t usually sweat things I can’t control. When I’m visiting friends and I have no control over schedules, transportation, etc, I relax and become thoroughly agreeable. I don’t get nervous when I fly, because there’s nothing I can do to affect whether I arrive safely. It’s when I have responsibilities that I tense up and become an angry ulcerated bastard.

I’m feeling a little more laid back now that the kids are in Florida with their dad. I’d like to preserve that feeling when they return. I know for a fact that they’d be better off if I weren’t so tense when they’re around. My relationship with avivahg would fare better as well.

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I love talking to new people online. I feel a little guilty, though, that after that initial getting-to-know-you period, my communications with friends tend to cut back drasticly. I’ve always had a problem being proactive about preserving my friendships. I find it much to easy to just let things slide, and gradually lose contact. I need to change this.

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A lot of people have given me gifts of validation and appreciation over the past few weeks. They’ve helped me to remember who I really am, and who I want to be. I deeply appreciate that, and I think I’ve been remiss in returning the favor. I need to start acting on my intention to start appreciating people openly.