Having flushed excess drama from my system…
I called in sick today. I’m taking the day off for spiritual regrouping.
Emotions are like intricate machinery. It isn’t really the force of the blow that matters, so long as you hit the right point. The slightest tap at a critical spot can make the thing tear itself apart with no further outside help.
I feel like a turtle who had just extended his neck full length when someone dropped a rock on it. *soup*. (If you listen carefully, “soup” is the noise tutles make when they suck back into their shells. Really.)
If you’ve been reading this for awhile you know the kind of person I’m trying to be. And I think I come off as a lot more bold than I am. Fact is, every step is terrifying, and sometimes I get the impression that no act of beauty goes unpunished. Society does not welcome hearts worn on sleeves. Even so, I can deal with the derision of strangers, because their opinion cannot touch me. But when the slap comes blindside from people I love, the ground gives way, and I question everything.
If you want to help me, just believe in me. Right now I’m having a hard time believing. I’m crying inside. I want to run away. I want to apologize for every honest word I ever said. I want to say “I’ll be strong, I’ll be cold, I’ll be closed and cynical and impervious, just don’t be angry with me any more“.
If you have ever believed in the world I see, believe in me now. I can’t do this alone. I’m not strong enough.