Something is wrong with me.
OK, an outburst of anger caught me at a vulnerable moment. I’m fragile, I fell apart. These things happen.
But that was three days ago. I still feel emotionally lethargic. Tired. Like I haven’t the energy to attempt human contact, and it wouldn’t give me a boost even if I did.
Sometimes I feel like I’m bipolar. I have bouyant, exultant highs and long flat grey lows when I come down. But it’s not the random actions of chemical imbalance. It’s situational. It doesn’t happen without cause.
I don’t like this. I went from exuberantly dancing in the pit at the Fairy Festival to abject depression in the space of 5 minutes, and I still haven’t completely recovered. The incident which caused it wasn’t worth this level of reaction. I want to be back on my cloud.
I don’t want to be this fragile. I want to be emotionally open, and I know that means vulnerability, but I should be able to get right back up after I fall. I know that the kind life I want to lead means getting knocked down a lot. I need to be able to mourn the wound and move on. And as much as I want to be helped up after I fall, I need to be able to do it on my own.
But honestly this feels chemical. As if a sudden disapointment triggers a chain-reaction which converts all those happy molecules to sad molecules which then linger. So that even when I feel like I’m done being unhappy, I can’t shake it off.
I don’t want hugs or commiseration right now, so much as encouragement and distraction.