I Need an Injection

Something is wrong with me.

OK, an outburst of anger caught me at a vulnerable moment. I’m fragile, I fell apart. These things happen.

But that was three days ago. I still feel emotionally lethargic. Tired. Like I haven’t the energy to attempt human contact, and it wouldn’t give me a boost even if I did.

Sometimes I feel like I’m bipolar. I have bouyant, exultant highs and long flat grey lows when I come down. But it’s not the random actions of chemical imbalance. It’s situational. It doesn’t happen without cause.

I don’t like this. I went from exuberantly dancing in the pit at the Fairy Festival to abject depression in the space of 5 minutes, and I still haven’t completely recovered. The incident which caused it wasn’t worth this level of reaction. I want to be back on my cloud.

I don’t want to be this fragile. I want to be emotionally open, and I know that means vulnerability, but I should be able to get right back up after I fall. I know that the kind life I want to lead means getting knocked down a lot. I need to be able to mourn the wound and move on. And as much as I want to be helped up after I fall, I need to be able to do it on my own.

But honestly this feels chemical. As if a sudden disapointment triggers a chain-reaction which converts all those happy molecules to sad molecules which then linger. So that even when I feel like I’m done being unhappy, I can’t shake it off.

I don’t want hugs or commiseration right now, so much as encouragement and distraction.

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  1. Its hard to be someone you are not especially when you feel as deeply as you do. Most people are able to have more relationships because they are shallow and the friendships revolve mostly around themselves. When you desire and expect a greater quality and depth you are more apt to get hurt. So you shake the dust off your feet and move on, a more calloused person, and try again. Not that I know exactly what happened, I am just speaking from experience. Here are some cool ghost pictures… http://paranormal.about.com/library/weekly/aa101402a.htm

  2. Hey! What’s that up there!

    (points up and pulls your pants down while you look)


    1. Re: Hey! What’s that up there!

      I’m gonna tell you tried to get in my pants!

    2. Re: Hey! What’s that up there!

      *points and laughs*

  3. hey didn’t even realize that you added me.

    You can read about this place that I go to all the time called the Forest Glen Seminary as a distraction. They are about to tear that place down and I am sad about that:


    it is such a beautiful place and feels like you are visiting the titanic. Stuck in a timewarp yet decaying.


    1. OMG!

      How can they tear a place like that down?

      1. do you know that I have cried over this?

        Where do you live?

        1. I’m holding back tears myself, and I’ve only seen pixelated pictures of it.


          I live in Florida.
          There are, luckily, very active preservation societies here that are pretty darn successful.

          When I was a teenager, my best friend’s mom volunteered catering services for the fundraising events. He and I used to love to get all dressed up and go help out. We would wait on, and talk to all these little old ladies sipping tea and eating cookies. They always had the most wonderful stories.

          I should call her up and ask when the next one is. It really tempers the resolve of those little old ladies to see someone, anyone, from a younger generation who cares and listens. The donation take was always double when Beau and I helped out.


          I’m reminded of the film “Avalon.”

          1. ugh yes.

            (little secret.. it will prove how strange I really am…

            I am going to dress up in a 1940’s style and walk around there (Forest Glen Seminary) sometime very soon πŸ˜€ I just am in the whimsical mood to invoke some spirits :D)

          2. I find that a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

            Just because the rest of the world is unimaginative doesn’t mean that it’s abnormal to be imaginative.

          3. πŸ˜€ phew, well then, that justifies most of my decisions in life then:D

          4. Really…

            We’re not the crazy ones…

            It’s the rest of the world that is mad!
            Mad I TELL YOU!!!!!!!!

          5. hehhe, true in most respects….

            except for the fact that I would never claim to be sane πŸ˜€

            I feel bad for avdi, having a conversation in his journal.. perhaps we should add eachother so that doesn’t happen?

            Oh by the way I will post personal pictures of this place in my journal if you want to see it later on πŸ˜€

          6. It’s keeping me entertained πŸ™‚ And anyway, I thought I was part of the conversation too πŸ˜›

            I’m getting a kick out of the fact that I seem to have brought two complete strangers, who I only know through LJ, together for conversation.

          7. oh yes you were part of it.. sorry πŸ™

          8. In my opinion, there are three really great things about LJ:

            1) I get to keep up with the friends I have, keeping in touch with ones I normally would have lost track of ages upon ages ago.

            2) I get to exchange grey matter and smooth muscle tissue (heart muscle) with amazing people I would have otherwise never known.

            3) Writing for an audience forces me to sort through all the crap in my brain. When writing for myself, there’s a laziness that would be embarrasing online.

          9. I’ve gotten a lot out of reading your journal recently. As someone who is going through my own process of breaking the tiniest bit out of my shell, and finding that I enjoy going out and receiving the attention of other humans, reading your reports has been encouraging. I’m glad you find mine worth reading as well πŸ™‚

          10. Thanks man… I’m very glad I stumbled onto your journal. It’s made it all the way to the short list of journals I read every day.

          11. I am definitely adding you, but we must consider that perhaps this is the light-hearted distraction that Avdi requested.

            What do you think man?

            It’s completely your call.
            I don’t think either of us would hold it against you if you decided either way.

          12. Since I’m all about building connections between people, this is just what the doctor ordered. By all means carry on, with my blessings!

          13. Yay for random acts of beauty πŸ™‚

            Out of curiousity, why 1940’s style?

          14. And senseless acts of kindness.

            Don’t forget them!

            They have rights too, ya know!

          15. well if you want to see a random act of beauty… look at this:

            She, the goddess that she is, is dressed in the style of the 1940’s

          16. I saw that on your journal. Goddess indeed! Glamour has declined of late.

            I’ve often I’ve wondered if there are any nightclubs where one can still go to hear a 30’s or 40’s style torch singer and band, like you see in period movies (or like Jennifer Connelly in Dark City, *sigh*).

          17. huh yeah! do they exist anymore? If not, what a shame!

          18. Since every style from medievel to klezmer has it’s holdouts, I have to believe they still exist somewhere. I like to think that there’s some swank jazz club, in NY maybe, where they still play. Somewhere which serves a really top-notch martini, y’know? Actuallly, I’d like to think it’s somewhere closer than NY! I’ll have to do some searching.

          19. hmmm if you find anything out please let me know πŸ˜€

          20. I don’t know if it’s so much a loss of glamour, as a loss of subtlety. No one seems to appreciate anything that’s not crammed down their throats anymore. Yay for marketing and the new consumer government.

          21. True. Observe how she is eminently desirable while wearing a garment that is positively puritan by today’s standards. Modern style has forgotten that it’s about what you conceal, not about what you reveal.

          22. Agreed.

            Clothing can become a type of teasing, which is much more arousing than what-you-see-is-what-you-get. I mean, just look at this woman… she exudes sensuality and sexuality. There is a big difference between something being about sex and something being about sexuality.

          23. Wowie! Can I have her? I’ll set her up in my shrine and worship her.

            …May I dye her hair first, though?

          24. :O well she is a bit dead so getting to the hair may be a bit difficult. heh.

          25. I’d take her in picture form! :-p

          26. Necrophilia much?

            Oh well…

            When I was about 7 or 8, I happened apon Billy Holiday cassette. I had no idea who she was, but listening to her sing, I decided I was going to find her and marry her. I eventually lost the tape, and the songs faded into a haze of youthful memory. Eventually I saw “Casablanca” and absolutely fell in love with the movie. I’ve watched it more times than I can count.

            Then, I stumbled back onto Billy Holiday. I saw that she had a rendition of “As Time Goes By.” So, I got the CD with every studio version cut she ever recorded of it. Well, turns out that the song that made me fall in love with Billy Holiday was “As Time Goes By.” I play it and can still remember with perfect clarity sitting in front of my parents combination cassette and eight-track player listening to it over and over again.

          27. Do you ever watch the British TV show “As Time Goes By”, with Judi Dench?

          28. Never even heard of it, but that doesn’t mean a thing.

            Outside of a couple of shows like Stargate SG-1, I don’t watch much television. I have a very addictive personality when it comes to television and video games. It’s a very slippery slope for me, so I have to be very deliberate about how I approach them. Otherwise, I get sucked down into a pit that’s difficult for me to crawl out of.

    2. Beautiful. I’d like to see it before it’s gone.

      1. Well considering what part of Pennsylvania you are in, it may not be too hard.

  4. First off, don’t rule out bipolar just yet… Five years ago, by my best guess, it started to disrupt my life. I didn’t see it untill last year when the mania hit a point where I began to hallucinate. It was terrifying. Don’t wait to get it checked out if you can see a pattern of ups and downs. If you decide to go see a doc, make sure they’re an expert in the field. Ask around about psychiatrists. I had to wade through a sea of people who completely misunderstood the treatment of bipolar untill I found the right one.

    The real problem with Bipolar disorder is that it induces a kind of gamblers-memory. You remember the events that fit your mood, either elevated or depressed, and forget the ones that don’t. So, every time you’re up or down, you //think// there’s a damn good reason. When you’re down, little problems become huge, and when you’re manic, huge problems become trivial.

    I’m not saying to rush out afraid that you are bipolar, but to watch yourself. I just don’t want anyone have to suffer the tremendous fear and confusion a psychotic mania, or suicidal depression produces when bipolar is left untreated. It is, sadly, both over-diagnosed and under-diagnosed.


    From one emotionally fragile person to another, I discovered that my sense of kindness and compassion were actually my greatest shield against the barbs of the world. First though, I had to learn never to give of myself anything that I was unwilling to lose. And then I had to learn to give with no expectation of return. Then I had to learn that people will always disappoint (and surprise) me because a person is never who I think they are. My idea of that person is not that person. Since I’ve learned those things, I have gained so many cherished friends. As I see it, it takes the person a bit to realize that you’re not going to screw them over, but you’re also going to draw a line as to how much you will give. Few people have ever had someone genuinely care about their happiness and they start to treat you like a treasure. The balance, though, was hard to learn. Many of the mistakes were grievously painful. In the end though, I think it’s time well spent.

    Well, that’s just my humble experience.
    I hope it helps.

    1. First though, I had to learn never to give of myself anything that I was unwilling to lose. And then I had to learn to give with no expectation of return. Then I had to learn that people will always disappoint (and surprise) me because a person is never who I think they are. My idea of that person is not that person.

      All of those lessons are much on my mind of late. Internalizing them takes time, though. The problem I face right now is that while it’s relatively easy for me to shrug off something that a stranger says to me, it’s impossible when it’s someone that’s very close to me. The people who are inside my force field, so to speak, can bring me crashing down with a moment’s word. And I feel like that is the way it should be, because being vulnerable to someone is what intimacy is all about. I guess there’s a balance that needs to be struck, between letting people in and protecting myself.

      Trouble is, I don’t want to protect myself. I spent years of my life holed up in my little shell; I want to be laid bare to at least one person now. I wonder if there is a way to be vulnerable without being fragile?

      1. …not to mention, Avdi has a wife who was misdiagnosed with Bipolar only to find out it’s really Borderline Personality Disorder concurrent with Major Depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

        BPD and Bipolar are treated similarly, though. Even so my treatment left me suicidal while on psychotropic meds. The worst I’ve ever been was when I was on Wellbutrin & Lexapro at the same time.

        I’m doing better now (off psychotropic meds). And now I want to help Avdi. But try as I may not to, I just continue to hurt him.

        1. *nodnod*

          I was first misdiagnosed with schizophrenia because my mania was so horrendously huge. The antipsychotics took care of the mania, but within two months I was in the only truly suicidal depression of my life. I don’t suggest anyone jump into anything too quickly. Shopping around for a good therapist, then for a good psychiatrist, if one is necessary, is very important.

  5. I love you. If you need to get away.. feel free to come down and see me anytime. Tonight is not so good inless you want to write my big paper.. but any time after thursday would be great… Hugs & kisses & support.. I gotta big shoulder to cry on… plus we could use some time to catch up…

    -luv and kisses: Clare

    1. Thanks, hon πŸ™‚ I’ll take you up on it one of these days.

  6. So, you want an injection, eh?

    I want a new drug
    One that won’t make me sick
    One that won’t make me crash my car
    Or make me feel three feet thick

    I want a new drug
    One that won’t hurt my head
    One that won’t make my mouth too dry
    Or make my eyes too red

    One that won’t make me nervous
    Wondering what to do
    One that makes me feel like I feel when I’m with you
    When I’m alone with you

    I want a new drug
    One that won’t spill
    One that don’t cost too much
    Or come in a pill

    I want a new drug
    One that won’t go away
    One that won’t keep me up all night
    One that won’t make me sleep all day

    One that won’t make me nervous
    Wondering what to do
    One that makes me feel like I feel when I’m with you
    When I’m alone with you
    I’m alone with you baby

    I want a new drug
    One that does what it should
    One that won’t make me feel too bad
    One that won’t make me feel too good

    I want a new drug
    One with no doubt
    One that won’t make me talk too much
    Or make my face break out

    One that won’t make me nervous
    Wondering what to do
    One that makes me feel like I feel when I’m with you
    When I’m alone with you

    1. Re: So, you want an injection, eh?

      Now that’s a plast form the past!
      There aren’t enough Huey Lewis and the News references anymore!

      1. Re: So, you want an injection, eh?

        Yes, it is. Glad you liked it.

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