Baby light my way,,,

Sometimes I feel like I don’t know
Sometimes I feel like checkin’ out
I want to get it wrong
Can’t always be strong
And love it won’t be long…

We just returned from going to Kommencement, after spending the afternoon with my mom. Saw a lot of people I’d been missing. Some of them had missed me too. I danced a lot. I like the outfit I put together tonight. I think I looked good.

Which is all to say that there is no reason in the world for me to feel as miserable as I do right now.

I want to put my head down on the desk and cry. I couldn’t put a name or an origin on this feeling if I tried. I’m crashing and I don’t know why. I want to know that I am the brightest thing you have ever seen. I want to lay out on an empty field and watch the stars and know the world has forgotten my existence. I want to pull up roots and watch memories fall away like loose soil. I want to curl up in someone’s arms and shake. I want to start a fire that won’t flicker out when I glance away.

Why aren’t I happy now?

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  1. Re: well blah

    *long hugs* i was right, something seemed up tonight…though i don’t know what to say. i am sure there are some willing arms to hold u if need be.

    1. Re: well blah

      I didn’t think anything was up while I was out, but maybe it was bubbling under the surface. My biggest trouble at Sonar was that I kept getting sleepy.

      Thanks for showing up, seeing you was definitely one of the high points of the evening. I could have played with your hair for hours *happy sigh*

      *hugs back*

      1. Re: well blah

        yay hair. i wouldn’t have minded in the slightest if u had…no one has played in it in so long even tho i always would play in his…*grumbles*

  2. *looks at you from a distance and wishes I had something meaningful to say*

    1. Thank you for the thought 🙂 I’ll be alright…

  3. sometimes life is really JUST LIKE the stupid cliches…
    without suffering we cannot know joy.

    whatever inherent contradictions are popping up in your life tonight, know that you are loved, appreciated, and would be sorely missed though never forgotten.

    *i’ve been travelling all night to reach the coast of New Found Land to meet the girl from my dream, but she’s not there…i sit down by the sea at the coast of New Found Land and i smile as i dream about leaving* -seabound

    1. Thank you. It’s very appreciated, particularly coming as it does from an unexpected quarter.

      Oh, and thank you for playing the best sets at Kommencement last night 🙂 Without you I don’t know if I would have gotten much dancing in at all…

  4. Might just be natural.

    In some ways you have been on cloud nine lately. The natural aftermath to being on cloud nine is a crash of sorts. Even coming back down to normalcy feels like tradgedy.

    Whenever i feel giddy happy, it helps me deal to remember that it won’t last, and i *expect* to feel low in comparrison soon.

    1. Ugh. I had hoped that I was laying down a new baseline, rather than experiencing a temporary high.

      Do I really come across as having been giddy? I haven’t felt giddy. I’ve had some high moments, but it’s all felt pretty even-keeled.

      1. …but you are afraid of baseline…

      2. btw, you can plateau on a giddy-high so that it feels like it’s the real thing which will last forever.

      3. Well, not giddy so much, but you have had a whirlwind couple of weeks, meeting new people, getting new pets, getting things off of your chest, etc.

        Seems like after all of that business and relative excitement, you might view the daily grind with a sense of sorrow and unhappiness.

        1. You may very well be right about that.

          1. Re: not gonna repeat what he said but

            mentally adds darthcrank to the growing list of truly interesting and intelligent people she’s read via avdi’s journal.

  5. It is easy to see what a precious thing happiness is, but harder to find the value of unhappiness. I find it helpful to reassure myself that there is a reason for everything, and then go questing for the reason. Even if I don’t find it, it’s an interesting journey.

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