What, Me, Dominant?

If you had asked me a few years ago to classify myself as dominant or submissive, I would have said submissive. Not that I’ve ever done anything remotely BDSM-related. But I saw myself as a meek, harmless, effeminate boi who relished the idea of worshipping a woman and being her pet. The idea of dominating someone would have been repugnant to me.

I still see myself in pretty much the same light, and I still have problems with the idea of being in a dominant role. But I’ve been realizing recently that I have definite dominant tendencies. I like the way an instrument of flogging feels in my hand a lot. I like the idea of having someone at my beck and call, to fetch and carry and fulfill my every whim precisely. It’s exciting to me.

Until very recently I would have given you a psychological explanation for this. I would have told you that since getting married I’ve often felt like my life was out of my control, so dominant fantasies are just a way of balancing that feeling and regaining my sense of control. But sometime in the past couple weeks I realized that my dominant fantasies go much further back. I began having them as a very young child, long before any psychological issue or trauma that might have caused them. And I still remember the titillation the fantasies brought me, which of course I didn’t understand at all at the time.

So I’m coming to terms with the fact that I have a dominant streak. This is not easy for me. I grew up idealizing the feminine – nurturing, sensitive, nonviolent. Part of me is terrified of seeing in myself the controlling, violent, uncaring persona that represented all that was wrong with masculinity to me. I’m particularly disturbed that I might find pleasure in causing even consensual pain.

But consensuality does seem to play an essential part in it. I’m only turned on by the idea of dominance in a situation where the submissive is deriving equal or greater pleasure from it. Any hint otherwise just kills the attraction for me. I guess that’s healthy.

I don’t know how interested I am right now in pursuing this. I guess I’ll be reading up on the subject. One thing’s for sure – I have no interest in acting out these urges on avivahg. Which is fine, because neither does she. Our relationship is based on power-equality at all times, and it will stay that way for the foreseeable future.

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  1. The monster, dominance and timing

    As I said before, often men who strive to ‘not be like other men’ overcompensate and block out things with any hint of that, often to their own detriment. Consider your previous entry – you do not claim the monster disappeared, only that you can control him. The fear you have about what you’d do, what you might enjoy, is that same monster, turned to face you from another part of the room. In both cases, you fear deriving pleasure from the pain of others.

    Liking the idea, and being dominant, are two very different things. I like chocolate. Sometimes the idea of having some is very compelling. But I am not a chocoholic. You can have very legitimate fantasies, and even act on them and enjoy them immensely, and that doesnt mean you are a dominant person.

    I would say, with respect, that I very much am relieved this isn’t “in the works”. You two are already in the midst of a huge, complex work between you in developing and refining how to make your lives poly. Do not add another huge complex difficult journey to that right now.

  2. p.s.

    I guess I’ll be reading up on the subject.

    I still seriously advise shelving this for now, but I will ask Batman tomorrow if he has any objection to my making an entry on the basics and providing some links. There’s a ton of stuff out there, and most of it is crap.

  3. What you might not realize, is that in the proper context, being dominant and being sensitive and nuturing are NOT mutually exclusive ideas.

    1. No, I might not, if it weren’t for all the people, you included IIRC, who have pointed that fact out to me in the past 😉

    2. I asked him the same thing

      He does. I asked last night if he understood the idea of a caring, nurturing dominant, and he assured me he did.

  4. Update: I don’t think you’re quite so nutso anymore about this. I understand, or at least I’m coming to understand.

    And you’re right, there won’t be any of this sort of power-play between you and I. I could not be voluntarily submissive and I don’t think I would react well to being forced into that role either.

    I can also see how dominant play, for you, could be empowering. I’m not going to encourage it, but I’m not going to discourage it either. Maybe down the road when things have settled a bit with our endeavor to make being poly work, as mentioned, I might start encouraging this streak in you.

    1. thank you

      for understanding the spirit i meant that in. i am not trying to stunt anything, i just know that this path is as much work and gutwrenching and prodding into the soul as the one you guys already have going.

    2. Being a submissive can be tremendously empowering too. But it’s not for everybody.

  5. must’ve missed this part before

    One thing’s for sure – I have no interest in acting out these urges on avivahg. Which is fine, because neither does she. Our relationship is based on power-equality at all times, and it will stay that way for the foreseeable future.

    I don’t think I can address the associations you seem to have with power and equality within dominant/submissive relationships in less than two pages. But I do think I can summarise whats dangerous about exploring this given the first part of your statement. If you try it, with someone else, and it turns out you like to dominate the way i spoke of sometimes liking chocolate, great, can probably be handled fairly harmlessly. If you try it and it turns out you are dominant as a part of your core self only three things can happen – avivahg submits. your relationship ends. or you spend the rest of your life unhappy because even though you can act with other women, you will know that one of the deepest, truest parts of your soul, and the most intense sex bourne of that soul, can never be shared with the person you love most.

    Knowing avivahg would not be a direct part of this makes me even more concerned that this really is a door best left shut right now. I’m sorry if that sounds snotty or preachy, it really isn’t meant as anything but concern.

    1. Re: must’ve missed this part before

      I think I may understand things a tiny bit better than you think. I can’t be sure, but I do know that I’d already looked at that paragraph and decided it would probably give the wrong impression of my understanding, but I was too tired to come up with something better. You probably have a lot you could teach me on the subject, but I just suspect you may be seeing associations re: power and equality, due to lousy wording, that I don’t actually have.

      As far as the danger – as I’ve said, this is on the back burner for the time being. However, and this is a completely intuitive feeling that I could not justify to you if I tried, I am nearly 100% positive I will not find out I am dominant as part of my core soul, as you put it. Which does not reduce my caution one iota, and I thank you sincerely for the warning.

      1. Re: must’ve missed this part before

        You probably have a lot you could teach me on the subject, but I just suspect you may be seeing associations re: power and equality, due to lousy wording, that I don’t actually have.

        no doubt both are true ;). sorry if i attached too much significance to that wording, as someone in an active longterm d/s relationship, its something i have to clarify fairly frequently.

        1. Re: must’ve missed this part before

          if this http://www.livejournal.com/users/__batgirl__/19247.html is also unnecessary, let me know and i’ll take it down

          1. Re: must’ve missed this part before

            Dunno, I’m not authorized to see it 😛

          2. Re: must’ve missed this part before

            ack sorry about that, i have about five diff custom groups and mustve snafu’d. will fix later.

  6. I have wondered how you would be if you were 6’8″ and 280 lbs of solid muscle.

    It’s amazing what comes out of us when we’re empowered.

  7. a few thoughts…

    A couple of thoughts on the subject of dom/sub, since I actually have some first and second hand experience on the topic…

    1. Being a good dom is ALL about caring/paying attention, in my view. In a healthy dom/sub relationship, it is actually the sub who has the power.. and the sub decides to give up that power to the dom. Thus, as you note above, consensuality is at the core of a dom/sub relationship.

    2. In this sense, a good dom acts very much as a kind of deep therapist for the sub. , who is a pro Domme, sees herself as such, and a good session is both physically draining for her in that she has to put a lot of energy into a session, as well as very fulfilling because of the power that she is given by the sub.

    3. Following these points, a healthy dom/sub relationship should not be just handed over to what you referred to in your last post as your “monster.” Trying to find weak points so that you can exploit them and control them should not be your end-goal of being dominant… Instead the end-goal should be the case that you are helping this person work through their issues and thus find a kind of release in their submission.
    Having said that.. you could use your monster here constructively–let him find such weaknesses as a means to help the sub reach the “degraded/controlled/whatever” state they need in order to work out their earlier traumas…
    Just keep in mind that your goal is not to harm the person, but rather to help them…

    4. If this process also helps you work through control issues, that is also a bonus side… Acknowledging this side of yourself and letting it play out in a constructive manner–as you note before, you see the monster and you are mostly in conrol of it, rather than reverse–can help make you a more complete person.. In some ways, this is about re-integrating the monster into yourself–and this is a good consensual thing in itself–not a hostile takeover by any account..

    5. In the end, everything I have described her can be summed up in the fact that in healthy dom/sub activities–you are building a kind of relationship. It is about trust and giving rather than exploitation and self-gratification.. The fact that this trust and giving come in extreme forms should not mislead you to the fact that these elements are still at its core…

    6. As for your relationship with and the idea of dom/sub..that is something that you two will figure out for yourselves, I’m sure..
    and I also have a relationship based completely on equality.. That is fundamental and core for us in every possible way… And in my inner being, I have always seen relationships in this manner.. (actually, it is because of this inherent trust in equality that my last major relationship before –which lasted 5 years– totally crashed and burned–the woman couldn’t handle equality..)

    However, and I have integrated some dom/sub experiences into playtime.. and it hasn’t been detrimental at all..
    If, at your core, you both see and accept that these activities are all about trusting the other person–and additionally, as a dom you are completely into getting feedback about what the person who is playing the role of sub actually wants–then it can be quite fun and very much a release for both parties…

    anyway.. those are my thoughts.. Good luck in your endeavors…

    1. Re: a few thoughts…

      mistressmarla and I also have a relationship based completely on equality.. That is fundamental and core for us in every possible way…

      thats the part i didnt think i could tackle in less than two pages. brevity is not my strong point in these journals :P. thanks for concurring in the idea that the d/s boundaries and the fundamental equality of the relationship are separate issues.

    2. Re: a few thoughts…

      As always, I appreciate your insights.

  8. I think a lot of people have gone through a similar thing. I’ve heard a lot of similar stories shared on .

    In any case, if you feel like talking about it just IM me. Also, my ex, , went through this too and I’m sure he would be willing to talk about it.

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