If you had asked me a few years ago to classify myself as dominant or submissive, I would have said submissive. Not that I’ve ever done anything remotely BDSM-related. But I saw myself as a meek, harmless, effeminate boi who relished the idea of worshipping a woman and being her pet. The idea of dominating someone would have been repugnant to me.
I still see myself in pretty much the same light, and I still have problems with the idea of being in a dominant role. But I’ve been realizing recently that I have definite dominant tendencies. I like the way an instrument of flogging feels in my hand a lot. I like the idea of having someone at my beck and call, to fetch and carry and fulfill my every whim precisely. It’s exciting to me.
Until very recently I would have given you a psychological explanation for this. I would have told you that since getting married I’ve often felt like my life was out of my control, so dominant fantasies are just a way of balancing that feeling and regaining my sense of control. But sometime in the past couple weeks I realized that my dominant fantasies go much further back. I began having them as a very young child, long before any psychological issue or trauma that might have caused them. And I still remember the titillation the fantasies brought me, which of course I didn’t understand at all at the time.
So I’m coming to terms with the fact that I have a dominant streak. This is not easy for me. I grew up idealizing the feminine – nurturing, sensitive, nonviolent. Part of me is terrified of seeing in myself the controlling, violent, uncaring persona that represented all that was wrong with masculinity to me. I’m particularly disturbed that I might find pleasure in causing even consensual pain.
But consensuality does seem to play an essential part in it. I’m only turned on by the idea of dominance in a situation where the submissive is deriving equal or greater pleasure from it. Any hint otherwise just kills the attraction for me. I guess that’s healthy.
I don’t know how interested I am right now in pursuing this. I guess I’ll be reading up on the subject. One thing’s for sure – I have no interest in acting out these urges on avivahg. Which is fine, because neither does she. Our relationship is based on power-equality at all times, and it will stay that way for the foreseeable future.