I’m not dealing well with this.

I need a vacation.  I already needed a vacation, and now this.  I can’t afford a vacation, won’t be able to for many months at least.  I can’t afford to travel.  Not to  mention I can’t take time off work right now.

And the kids are home now, and my dad is coming to stay with us for as much as a month.  I get along OK with my dad, but I have a hard enough time sharing my house with my immediate family.  Having a houseguest sleeping in the rec room gets old fast.

I don’t know how I’m going to focus on work today.

Perspective… perspective… I need perspective. 

Shit, put things in perspective and they still look crappy.  Stress sucks no matter how much perspective you put it in.

A little part of my mind keeps saying “what’s the big deal?”.  You don’t understand.  It’s all about repetition. Repeat a dissappointment often enough and it becomes a lot more than a mere dissappointment.  It becomes a prison.

I don’t know if it helps or hurts that I react to stress the way I do.  I can’t be interested in distractions.  I lose all interest in drinking.  I lose interest in sex.  I don’t want hugs, or even to be touched.  I don’t want to read or code or eat or dance.  The only distraction that remains remotely attractive is walking, movement.  But even that promises little solace.

Times like these make me want to strip everything away, give the whole world the finger, and just be me, alone with my books.  And I don’t mean just for an afternoon.


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  1. I lose interest in sex. I don’t want hugs, or even to be touched. I don’t want to read or code or eat or dance. The only distraction that remains remotely attractive is walking, movement. But even that promises little solace.

    I am the same exact way.

  2. Want to come visit? I would LOVE to meet you, more than you know. Cali can be a fun place.

    1. You should come here and visit us here in the snowy cold Northeast.

  3. If you could get away for a day or a weekend, you’re always welcome to come crash on my couch.

    Hmm… I know what it’s like when nothing seems to satisfy.

    “All day long I think of things, but nothing seems to satisfy,
    think I’ll lose my mind if I don’t find something to pacify.”

    Oh, Paranoid, you have no idea how dead on the money you are. No. Idea.

    And I understand the trapped feeling too.

    What books would you read if you were alone?

    1. Thanks. There’s a chance I’ll take you up on it at some point, since weekends are all I can really get away for, and I don’t have the means to go all that far.

      Which books would I read? Here’s a thousand or so to start with, but that’s really just scraping the surface…

  4. let me add my voice to the chorus of “come visit me”s…

    i hope to see you online soon, i miss our conversations.

    1. Thanks… I’m online all day most days, but usually not in the evening or at night.

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