I have this nagging fear that someday I’m going to be facing my own death, and in that moment I’ll suddenly realize what I really wanted all this time.

I’m almost constantly nauseous since sometime yesterday. I think I’m literally sickening myself.

Tonight I have to pick up my in-laws from the airport and drive them to their hotel and go to dinner and act like everything’s fine, or at least under control.

Sorry to the various people I was supposed to call last night.

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  1. I know you and spouse are going through a very difficult time right now. I hope that everything works out at as it should and you both obtain some level of peace and happiness. I’m hardly one to give advice but as someone who is going through something similiar. I feel for you both. All I can say is try to not end up with any regrets of things that should have been done and/or said. *hugs*

  2. Ok, advice from someone who only knows you and spouse from electronic communication and mutual friends… so take it as you will… however:

    If the nausea you feel comes at the though of losing her, FIGHT for her to stay. Nausea like that usually tells me I am making a mistake… last time I got it that bad was when my now hubby told me if I didn’t make up my mind, I would lose him. We have now been married almost 17 years.

    My heart is with you guys…

    1. It’s at the thought of hurting her, more than anything else. I don’t know if that makes a difference.

      1. Get over that and you’ll be just fine. You’re the one who’s more concerned with meeting your own needs more than (trans.: at the expense of) anyone else’s. Don’t worry about what “you”‘re doing to me. Remember I chose this route, not you. Now you can have your life just like you want it. Enjoy!

      2. …or maybe

        Maybe using the line, “It’s at the thought of hurting her,” is your way of explaining away what you’re feeling.

        Bottom line, Avdi, are you really being honest with yourself?

        1. Re: …or maybe

          I don’t know, angel, I just don’t know!

          I envy people who know what they want. “I want a sandwich”. “I want a baby”. “I want that woman”. It all seems so simple! My desires, OTOH, are practically opaque to me.

          Maybe it’s not that they are opaque. It’s that they are contradictory. I want opposites. I want freedom and solitude and family and companionship.

          I really believed in that dream of ours. Part of me still wants to. Then a more rational part of me says that in practice, the dream never panned out. But then I think maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I just wasn’t committed to it enough. Maybe I could do it now. Maybe I could dedicate myself to the family from now on. Maybe I COULD find fulfillment in that. Plenty of other men have! And then I look forward and I think, be realistic Avdi, in a month it’ll be exactly the same as before, and you’ll be driving home with a dead heart, cursing your past mistakes and trying not to show how much you’d rather be anywhere but at home.

          I’ll admit it’s not only fear of hurting you that chokes me. It’s fear of making a mistake. Fear of giving up something that could have been good. It’s my heart breaking because part of me really does want that happy home just as strongly as part of me wants peace and solitude, and it feels like my dream is dying. Not just yours.

          I have no perspective. I know that a few days ago I felt hopeless and utterly unhappy with my situation, just as I have for a long time. I know that right now that feels like it was a million miles away, and I feel terrified at the prospect of losing something precious. It might as well have been two different people. I have to believe that my feelings then weren’t completely frivolous, and had some weight behind them. Certainly they darkened my days for long enough. But now fear and guilt and uncerainty have put a whole new set of feelings in their place. I want to be true to myself, but I don’t know which self to be true to.

          1. Re: …or maybe

            Well, you don’t have to worry about how you’ll feel in a month still living with me because I’ll be in FL away from you.

            Let it take however long it needs. We’ll keep in touch, we’ll discuss when need be, maybe I’ll come up and we’ll talk face to face or you’ll come down – whichever. We’ll decide, ultimately, when the time comes, what course of action needs to be taken – recommit or dissolve the marriage.

            Just let’s not make that kind of decision right now in the heat of the moment. Making a final decision one way or the other right now would only be disastrous.

  3. DON’T PANIC! (in big friendly letters.) love, guess who

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