CITY OF BAGHDAD KIDNAPPED BY INSURGENTS
Baghdad, Iraq – Military personnel and civilian contractors living in the so-called “Green Zone” were shocked this morning to discover that the entire city of Baghdad had been abducted some time during the night. “We realized something wasn’t right when we weren’t awakened by the usual early-morning explosions and small-arms fire” said Zach Berzowski, a Haliburton employee. “When some of us finally got up the nerve to go out and investigate, it was just completely gone!”. Baghdad, capital of Iraq and the site of bitter sectarian fighting and numerous kidnappings, formerly had a population of approximately 7 million persons.
A spokesman for the Army had this to say: “We aren’t jumping to any conclusions, but from preliminary reports we can confirm that the city of Baghdad, including the entire Iraqi parliament, several thousand security personnel, as many as three thousand insurgents and foreign terrorists, and an unknown number of dogs, cats, and camels was removed to an unknown location during the night”. He also said that intelligence pointed to the involvement of Muqtada al-Sadr in planning the mass kidnapping. al-Sadr, the militant cleric, along with his Mahdi Army, were among the abductees. “Our effort to track down and bring the culprits to justice will be performed in cooperation with the government of Iraq – just as soon as we find them.”
The State Department issued a strongly-worded statement addressed to Iraqi insurgents, demanding that they immediately return the city of Baghdad. “What are you hiding behind your back?” the statement reads in part. “No, the other hand. No, show me both hands at once!”