CITY OF BAGHDAD KIDNAPPED BY INSURGENTS
Baghdad, Iraq – Military personnel and civilian contractors living in the so-called “Green Zone” were shocked this morning to discover that the entire city of Baghdad had been abducted some time during the night. “We realized something wasn’t right when we weren’t awakened by the usual early-morning explosions and small-arms fire” said Zach Berzowski, a Haliburton employee. “When some of us finally got up the nerve to go out and investigate, it was just completely gone!”. Baghdad, capital of Iraq and the site of bitter sectarian fighting and numerous kidnappings, formerly had a population of approximately 7 million persons.
A spokesman for the Army had this to say: “We aren’t jumping to any conclusions, but from preliminary reports we can confirm that the city of Baghdad, including the entire Iraqi parliament, several thousand security personnel, as many as three thousand insurgents and foreign terrorists, and an unknown number of dogs, cats, and camels was removed to an unknown location during the night”. He also said that intelligence pointed to the involvement of Muqtada al-Sadr in planning the mass kidnapping. al-Sadr, the militant cleric, along with his Mahdi Army, were among the abductees. “Our effort to track down and bring the culprits to justice will be performed in cooperation with the government of Iraq – just as soon as we find them.”
The State Department issued a strongly-worded statement addressed to Iraqi insurgents, demanding that they immediately return the city of Baghdad. “What are you hiding behind your back?” the statement reads in part. “No, the other hand. No, show me both hands at once!”
Evangelical Haggard Claims He Was Molested By Republican Congressman
November 10, 2006 | Issue 42•46
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Evangelical leader Ted Haggard, who stepped down last week after confessing that he purchased methamphetamines and various services from a male prostitute, revealed Wednesday that he was repeatedly molested by an unnamed Republican congressman in the late 1990s. “We would communicate on the Internet and then meet in his Washington office to, I thought, discuss faith-based initiatives,” said Haggard in a tearful admission in which he asked for the forgiveness of God and his congregation. “Before long, he had progressed from praying alongside me to having me sit on his lap at his desk, and then to touching me in my bathing-suit area. I trusted the congressman, and he violated that trust.” Authorities have not acted on Haggard’s allegations, saying that Republicans are often accused of wrongdoings simply because so many of them lead secret gay or criminal lifestyles.
Re: Also good…
Hey, you stole that one from the Onion 😛
I blame David Copperfield.
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