Our Passover Seder service was a little… different this year. For those who are interested, here’s the full text of our Haggadah. This is the product of 3 hours of feverish typing before the start of the seder, and a couple of
beers totally kosher-for-passover glasses of wine.
My mom provided illustrations, which unfortunately aren’t included in this version. I intend to scan the “illuminated” version in and post it sometime soon.
Waiting for Elijah
Indiana Jones and the Bread of Affliction
(Editors note: This text was discovered at the bottom of a locked crate beneath a pile of “Mensch Magazine” (“For women who like men wearing Yarmulkes… and nothing else”) in the disused basement ballroom of a disreputable Bronx synagogue scheduled for demolition as part of New York’s ongoing program of urban renewal. The remaining members of the congregation disclaimed all knowledge of it, and in fact the rabbi requested that it be burnt. It is reprinted here for it’s anthropological interest.)
151 is poured, lighted, and tossed back. Sundry oaths are exclaimed.
Oh yeah, while you’ve got the lighter out, light and bless the candles too.
Let’s get this thing started before we all die of old age
The first cup is poured
Blessed art thou, oh lord our God, king of the universe, who created the fruit of the vine… and cheese, to go with the fruit of the vine… and fermentation… and distillation… and barley, even though that’s a no-no tonight… and yeast, for that matter… and cocktail glasses… and olives… and those little umbrellas… and who brought us forth out of Egypt that we might enjoy all of these gifts, and who gives us festivals that we might get royally schnockered.
Wash hands of the whole affair
Leader washes his hands with an air of resignation.
Dipping the Kipahs
Oops, I mean Karpas. You might want to toss that thing in the drier.
Thanks for parsley, God.
Test Your Skill! (Breaking the Matzah)
The member with the greatest Real Ultimate Power dons the consecrated Ninja Jew-Jitzu Headband and bows to the Leader. The middle matzah is placed between two bricks (without straw). The breaker attempts to bisect the matzah with whatever body part he or she chooses, body parts occupying the bikini area excepted.
These are the crackers our forefathers ate in Egypt, without even a dipping sauce or a nice brie. Let all who are hungry come and eat. No, seriously, we’ve got like a dozen boxes. There was a sale at the nosh. This year we are here, next year we will be in Israel. Or maybe the Bahamas, God willing. Margaritas are kosher, right?
The Four Questions
It is customary for the soberest member to ask the Questions. Coincidentally this is usually the youngest as well.
What’s with the crackers?
What’s with the horseradish?
Salt water? Where’s the ranch dressing?!!
Why do you guys keep falling over when you walk?
Yadda Yadda Yadda
We were slaves to Pharaoh. It sucked.
For extra credit, those still capable of standing should attempt to “walk like an egyptian”.
Then God opened up a can of holy whoop-ass. It was awesome.
Funny story: Once there were five Rabbis who sat up drinking all night. This has nothing to do with anything.
Kids these Days
There are four types of children. To explain Passover to them, you have to know “the lingo”.
The suck-up says: “What are the duties, laws, and precepts which our eternal God has commanded us?” To this child, say: “God says to give me a foot rub.”
The problem child says: “What’s this got to do with me? I don’t even believe in God!”. To this child, you should say: “Oh yeah? Well he doesn’t believe in you, either.” in a very sarcastic tone. Your irrefutable logic will leave him dumbfounded.
The stupid child will say: “Uh durrrrrrrr”. To this you should explain very slowly: “With a mighty hand, God led us out of the the house of pancakes and into the land of crackers and barrels.”
What of the oblivious child? You should wait till he’s looking the other way, and put lots of extra horseradish on his gefilte fish.
A wandering Aramean was my father: and he went down to Egypt, and lived there as a stranger, with only a few people. There he became a great nation, powerful and numerous. But the Egyptians ill-treated us: they afflicted us, and imposed hard labor upon us. Then we cried to the Eternal One, God of our ancestors; and God heard our cry; and saw our affliction, our misery, our oppression. Then God brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm, with awesome power, with signs and wonders.
Members should take turns deriving obscure meanings from individual words in the above paragraph, such as “from this we understand that the Jews were only to eat herring while wearing plaid”. Others should then argue vociferously.
The Ten Shots
Hard liquor is not recommended.
Death of your remaining brain cells
If we controlled only the law and health professions, and not Hollywood, it would be enough for us. If we only controlled Hollywood and not the world bank, it would be enough for us. If we only secretly controlled the world bank, and not the leadership of the Western nations, it would be enough for us. Etc.
Why the “passover” lamb?
Turns out angels of death hate lamb.
On their way out of Egypt, the Israelites only had time to run by McPnothotep’s for some fast food.
What about the Marooooooooooooooor?
Because it tastes like slavery.
All cross fingers and recite:
This is a commemoration of what God did for me, when I came out of Egypt.
Teh secnod Cupp
Thanks again for wine. Hooray wine!
Rinse off spilled wine.
Thanks, God, for bringing forth matzah from the Manishewitz corporation.
All take a piece of matzah and slouch (further) to the left. No, other left! The leader takes two pieces, one from the uppermost matzah, the other from the remains of the middle one, then reshuffles the deck before the next deal.
This is to remind us that our labor in Egypt was like a mouthfull of horseradish, apples, nuts, and communion wine.
All take a piece of maror and dip it in the haroset.
Thanks, god, for commanding our taste buds to be cauterized and our sinuses to be cleared.
One day, Rabbi Hillel was bored and he invented the sandwich. True story!
Eat maror with haroset and matzah.
Do I have to explain?
Ditch the Kids (Finding the Afikomen)
tHee trheeed uccup
Blah blah blah l’chaim.
In lieue of blessings, members are invited to extemporize cheers in honor of God, the Holy One, the Big Cheese, etc. Extra points awarded for hand motions.
Engage in contests to see who can recite all ten plagues in a single belch. Also, singing.
Pour an extra cup for Elijah. Open the door, and yell epithets at godless heathen neighbors.
Baruch atah adonai over the teeth, over the gums, look out stomach, here it comes!
Next year in New Jers-er, Jerusalem!
“Pin the Boil on the Pharaoh”, “Frog Pong”, etc.