Though you are gone
I am still your son
And while your pain is over
Mine has just begun
My grief is at almost right-angles to my personality at this point. It’s like a roommate who works the opposite shift – so seldom seen I’ve begun to forgot what it looks like, and I would forget it’s there except for the signs it leaves scattered here and there. It only surfaces now as an unexpected harmonic to certain rare pieces of music. I will hear a song, and like it; and I will hear it again, and still like it; and then hear it again and suddenly find myself choked up or sobbing alone in my car. It’s strange when it happens, precisely because it seems so disconnected from me anymore, like finding that elusive roommate at the kitchen table after almost forgetting he existed. It really is like meeting someone else… albeit someone I used to know very well.
And I wonder… is this just leftover undelt-with pain? Or would I still, even if I had never known heartbreak, be crying for this whole beautiful mess of a world? It seems so diffuse, so generalized. As if a mental organ leeches out all the pain and injustice I witness simply by living, and collects it as concentrated poison in some protective well which must occasionally be emptied. And what is the scale of this thing? Does it surface so rarely because that is all that is needed to cleanse me of it? Or are these just the surface eruptions of a monstrous sea of sorrow within? My intuition tells me it is the latter, and that frightens me. I long to live with my heart on lmy sleeve, but I fear the complications that would bring…
UPDATE: A clarification: The verses at the beginning are an excerpt from the song “Disappoint” by Assemblage 23. The song has nothing to do with my life or my issues, except for the fact that it, particularly the emphasized lines, was the most recent one to bring on one of my suprise teary-eyed moments. The only connection I can see between it and my life is the fact that my best friend was once in the position the song describes (a son grieving after his father’s suicide); a situation he finally dealt with by following in his father’s footsteps a couple months later.