Thursday Update

Watched the beginning of the debate last night.  I find it difficult to watch debates – conflict, even polite conflict, makes me nervous.  My only observations are that Bush looked like a preacher, and Kerry looked like a cadaver, albeit a particularly animated cadaver.  But then, he always does.  Bush was bouncier than usual though; I want some of whatever he’s smokin’.  Also:  apparently I missed the announcement that Mary Cheney is now officially The World’s Most Important Homosexual Person.  Congrats, I guess.

Recent conversations online and off have forced me to give thought to my spiritual side.  Yes, apparently I have one, despite my protestations of not understanding what that word means.  I’m also apparently capable of holding [at least] two complete, conflicting worldviews simultaneously – and yet somehow not feeling any dissonance.  This disturbs me somewhat.

The fact is there is a font inside me which I rarely tap anymore, but which has not run dry.  All it needs to prime it is a friend in need of encouragement.  And once it gets started the words flow freely, spontaneously, and confidently.  The process is assisted by my intellect, but unlike my usual mode it does not originate there.  It comes from somewhere else, somewhere obscure.  I can only call it Inspiration, but of what kind I cannot tell.  I have had this as long as I can remember.  There are times I have felt like nothing more than a mouthpiece – and resented it.  Call it God/dess, call it my higher self, call it delusional, but it’s there and it contains a passion which I sorely miss.

When I am speaking from that place I am most at home speaking in terms of the Christianity/Messianic Judaism which I grew up in.  What I have not determined is whether that belief system and worldview is an essential part of the voice, or whether it is simply the spiritual model I am most comfortable with.  Sometimes I think I could speak with equal confidence in another model, if I were as fluent in any others.  Sometimes I am not so sure, and I wonder if this is the faith of my youth calling me back after a wandering time.  All I know is that when I speak from that place of inspiration I am sincere, I believe the words, and I have been told the words have power.  How I can do this while simultaneously doubting the very foundations of my old faith I can’t understand.  But I’m not lying.  I’m not making it up as I go along.  All I can tell those who hear me is to judge the words according to your heart, rather than on the faith of the speaker.

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  1. Appropriate?

    It’s not a family trait,
    it’s nothing that I ate,
    and it didn’t come from skating with Holy Rollers,

    It’s an early warning sign,
    it keeps my life in line,
    but it’s so hard to define,

    It’s just a spirit thing,
    it’s just a holy nudge,
    it’s like a circuit charge in the brain.
    It’s just a spirit thing,
    it’s here to guard my heart,
    it’s just a little hard to explain.

    It pushes when I quit,
    it smells a counterfit,
    Sometimes it works a bit like a teleprompter…

    When it’s telepromting you,
    I pray you’ll let it through,
    And I’ll help you with the how,
    But for now…

    It’s just a spirit thing,
    it’s just a holy nudge,
    it’s like a circuit charge in the brain.
    It’s just a spirit thing,
    it’s here to guard my heart,
    it’s just a little hard to explain.

    (“Spirit Thing” by Newsboys)

    1. Re: Appropriate?

      Oh. My. God. I can’t believe you just quoted Newsboys.

      /me resists the urge to quote more Newsboys songs verbatim from memory

      1. Re: Appropriate?

        Eewwwwwwwwww… Bad 80’s music.

        *throws a yellow flag* Personal foul, roughing the reader, 15 yard penalty, repeat 1st down.

        1. Re: Appropriate?

          *throws a dark red velvet flag* Geek/Goth/Freak foul, evincing technical knowledge of football, -10 goth points and a mandatory viewing of three Monty Python episodes.

          1. Re: Appropriate?

            Will a single viewing of The Meaning of Life suffice?

    2. Re: Appropriate?

      To be honest, and no offense intended, I wouldn’t say that one’s appropriate. To my mind that song deals with the moral aspect of spiritual life, the discernment of right from wrong and the conviction of the need for salvation. I’m pondering something a little different at the moment.

      It certainly brings back memories, though.

  2. I made a comedic post at one point about how all the Dem contenders this year looked like corpses, but I don’t have the energy to dig it up.

    Kerry was a mummy. Sharpton was a zombie Hynerian. Edwards was a manequin.

    The mary cheney thing is a swipe, intended to get some of the religious conservatives to not hit the polls. Using an individual’s sexuality as political leverage is not something I approve of. But when I weigh it against all other factors, including the dirty traick out of the other side, I still come in on the Kerry camp.

    1. Hey, I can’t knock mummies. Some of them are pretty sharp.

  3. I’m also apparently capable of holding [at least] two complete, conflicting worldviews simultaneously – and yet somehow not feeling any dissonance. This disturbs me somewhat.

    I have this trait as well. It does not bother me but it seems to bother some people.

    1. It disturbs me in myself because it smacks of doublethink, and because it implies I’d make an excellent lier, which I am emphatically not. It also sounds suspiciously like mushy-headed postmodern there-is-no-objective-truth relativism, which it isn’t. The best way I’ve come up with to put it is that it is similar when I look at a piece of software in terms of several different models, each not fully accurate or expressive, but each emphasizing a different aspect of the system. Or something like that.

  4. I’ll get to that writing you wanted me to write about my view of God as a Jewish convert.

    Little tangiential notes: God is God. No intermediary is necessary.

    You were named “[God’s] Servant” by your Jewish mother. There’s no way you can get away from God. And when your compassionate heart senses a need it becomes a conduit for the Almighty’s love and mercy (with whatever words that may be spoken).

    That you are able to speak from the Christian worldview, I believe, has largely to do with how you were raised. You had a deeply spiritual Christian upbriging with the Jewish side not being so spiritual. In fact, much of it was made fun of for many valid reasons. (But those reasons aren’t the heart of Judaism. Talk to your mom about the Chassidim!)

    I think you could still speak from an even more universal worldview even if you did not return to the faith of your youth. Finding out, though, requires you actually learn to become accustomed to another worldview.

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