diagram of a breakdown

I can’t bear the thought of home.

And I can’t bear the thought of being lost in strange surroundings either.

I feel like my center of consciousness has relocated to the older, child region of my psyche.  I’m little and I’m running through my yard and my house but there’s something wrong, no one’s there, everyone’s gone.

I don’t trust my therapist.  I don’t trust anyone.  I don’t want to be with anyone.  I don’t want to be alone with this.  The point is, it doesn’t matter either way: no one can touch me, and this thing is in my head.

I want to scream and cry and tear things apart.  I want to be torn apart.

Modern religionpsychology is a dry husk.  It doesn’t have what I need.  I don’t need to meditate or pray or journal.  I need to go into the Night Land and feel the demons rip my flesh and be devoured by the dragon.  I need to walk into the earth and face the Shadow.

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  1. “I don’t want to be with anyone. I don’t want to be alone with this.”

    If you want, I can be with you in whatever capacity you want me to be.

    The point is, it doesn’t matter either way: no one can touch me, and this thing is in my head.
    Ah. Yes. Very true. It’s in your head, and whereever you go, there you are.

    “I need to go into the Night Land and feel the demons rip my flesh and be devoured by the dragon. I need to walk into the earth and face the Shadow.”
    You need a quest. A good, old fashioned quest, with much walking, and some fighting and purging of the soul. Tis a shame that true heros don’t exist anymore. Tis a shame you can’t just put on a cloak, and a sword, and go off to battle those who also go off into the night.
    I would join you on such a quest, should you want companionship. I need a quest as well. (I believe I remember you writing a long piece about this very subject.)

    However, this may sound strange and perhaps it’s exactly what you don’t need, but perhaps some BDSM? Feel demons rip my flesh and be devoured by the dragon made me think of whips and floggers across one’s back, the pain purging the madness.

    1. I hope to write about this more, but the trouble with BDSM is that I don’t know anyone who would put it in the appropriate spiritual context. I can’t just be tied up and flogged. There is a whole ritual that my genetic memory is crying out for, and I don’t know of anyone who could or would provide it. The magic don’t work if everyone’s not in on it, ya know?

      1. Even though I’ve never administered or recieved a flogging, I can understand where you’re coming from.

        I was raised Catholic. Although I don’t believe in most of what they teach, I still go to mass sometimes because the ritual speaks to my spirituality. My spirituality is awakened and responds well to formal ritual… I think that is because I was raised Catholic.

        Mmm… the whole idea of a flogging ritual to purge one of their Darkness Within is really appealing to me right now. It’s coming of as a little sexual, but more… yeah, I guess spiritual would be the right word.

        I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable, or cross any lines, but I would be up for helping you come up with and participate in such a ritual, if you so desire.

        The magic don’t work if everyone’s not in on it, ya know?
        hmmm… /me can feel the magic now. πŸ™‚


        And with the not being able to just be tied up and flogged, I understand. I was playing with some friends last week, and they tied me up and did some very gentle knife play and while the knife play turned me on, there was something seriously missing. The role play part. The part where this wasn’t just friends tying me up because I like being tied up, but where this was someone else inflicting their will upon me.

        I think I’m starting to figure out that BDSM is… pointless? no…. hmm… wasted? yes!… BDSM is wasted on me if it doesn’t involve some form of role play or personality shifting or something. Something that makes it not be friends tying up friends, but makes it more dark and sinister than that.

        And it doesn’t even have to be really evil or anything. In fact, if it was RP, the character they’re playing and the character I’m playing could be friends or even in love. It’s just that the dynamic between them at that point in time turns dark, cold, slightly evil.

        Mentally, I need to be tied up w/o my consent. And I can’t do that if people are tying me up as friends.

        …sorry about the rant, but does that make any sense?

      2. your too far away, but that is exactly what jules does to me. it is all spiritual and it is all to clear the brain and start anew. the rain doesn’t do it for me anymore.

        1. Look, I love Jules and all, and I need pain, but some of the things she does are just scary! πŸ˜‰

          1. hehe, true, but they arent to me. just curious as to what if i may?

          2. I don’t suppose the phrase “its only kinky the first time?” is of any help? (only really half kidding)

          3. there’s kinky, and then there’s “just thinking about it makes me adopt a crotch-protective posture”.

  2. Oh, and about the screaming and crying and tearing things apart.

    Find a bunch of glass bottles (recycling is wonders for this), find some concrete that people usually don’t ride over or a large rock, and smash and bash until your heart’s content.

    God, I absolutely ADORE the sound of busting glass. It’s therapy like none other for me.

    If you can’t get enough glass, you can always go to a thrift store and by a set of dishes for like $4 and go to town on those.

    1. When I was growing up, whenever my mom was upset she’d go behind the shed and smash bottles.

      1. So would doing that help you or hurt you? Or would it be neutral?

        In my teenage years, I’d take the bottles out of the recycle bin and bash them on a specific large rock.

        I can remember traveling for business summer of 2003. I was in Atlanta, and I remember bashing glass in the parking lot for my hotel. It was awesome.

        1. I think it would be neutral, with possible negative associations.

          I need tear myself apart, more than anything. And not to punish, but to liberate.

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