Life goes on.
I’m going to be staying with my mom for awhile. Hopefully the time apart will help Stacey and I sort out some things.
Optimally I would be living completely alone, in order to get back in touch with the solitude that drove me to desire a wife in the first place. But that’s just not possible, financially.
I’m not sure how this is going to work out, whether it will help or hinder, but I won’t know until we try it. And I’ve felt that we would benefit from time apart for a long time now. We’re also talking about pursuing counseling of some sort. Again.
I don’t know where this is going. Part of me really, really doesn’t want to give up on this. I think another part of me gave up a long time ago.
Emotional exhaustion, on my part, is what it all boils down to. Beyond all the secondary communication issues, the conflicts, the drama, it lurks: I feel dry as a bone, empty of motivation.
If nothing else this time will be a chance to do some thinking, and hopefully get a little clarity on what it is I want out of life.
I hope you find that which you need, regardless of how it shakes out in the end.
I do pray that you will find the peace you need to build your future upon. I know life gets really confusing and I need room to breath to gain clarity as well. Both of you are precious to me so I wish you well even as you take a step away from each other.
I understand about living with family. No matter how good the relationship with parental units there is nothing like being on your “own”. And by that, I mean alone. I would have liked nothing more than to be in my own apartment. Esp. since I have never lived “alone”. *sigh* I hope you two can work through things and both find peace of mind. *hugs*
Just talked with you mom. You may want to call her and let her know you’ve decided to go ahead and come down tomorrow after work. She sounded surprised. I was surprised that she sounded surprised. It was quite surprising.
Oh, baby! I love you so damn much! But I just can’t stand living with you. And I know it’s the same for you. And of course we’re going to have down times along with up times.
I really hope and pray we can work out an agreeable agreement. /me squeezes you with much love and affection
i wasn’t actually surprised , just not updated. tell him to read his email and reply! love you.
I just wanted to reply to your comment and randomly tell you that you’re a very cool mom, and it was nice meeting you. (Sorry, Avdi and Stacey, for the off-topic comment.) 😉
i thought about adding her but she didnt seem ‘active’ here and i didnt know if that would be inappropriate
*waves* hi avdi’s mom! I am not usually this obnoxious, though i admit tact has never been my strong point.
I thought the plan A, which would have resulted both in you truly having an alone/single period and in both of you having real distance, was better all the way around. I stand by the idea that plan A would have either resulted in you both appreciating each other more fully, or in easing the path tremendously if that didn’t happen.
For whatever reasons plan B may be better, it also has some real flaws. You won’t be living “single”, you’ll be living with your parents and no matter how wonderful they are, it isn’t the same as knowing you can bring someone home for a night, leave in the middle of the night for coffee with a friend, play music whenever the hell you want, and have to leave the house for human contact. It will also make it very hard for you two to have a true trial separation, and it will muddle the issue of how much you miss Stacey versus how much you miss your house versus how much you want a certain amount of adult liberty back.
A break that inherently deters one night stands/starting romantic attachments (even if those are not of interest), that doesn’t provide privacy and solitude, and that doesn’t offer enough distance to truly feel separate is IMO not going to serve as a real test of the sort you both seem to need. Stacey needs a better frame of reference on what any other human being, even her own family, would expect from her financially and responsibility-wise – you need a better frame of reference on how much more she has to offer you in other ways than most people have to offer – if either/both of you couldve gotten there at close range, it wouldve happened by now.
Yeah, what she said.
on this one.
Plan A involved me living with my parents which precluded all the same things that Avdi’s living with his mom does. In that case, I’m not sure how Plan A would have been better than Plan B. They’re both equally bad plans, but I really think it’s Avdi who needs to be living alone. Nevertheless God knows how much I loathe Florida and abhore the thought of moving back there.
As for where you said, “A break that inherently deters one night stands/starting romantic attachments,” I, for one, will not be looking for either of these. I have no interest in starting romantic attachments or having one night stands. We’re not getting a divorce after all. Not quite yet, anyway. I don’t want to muddy the waters that way whatsoever.
Just for the record.
It does affect you similarly – but finances and responsibility have been a sore point between you two (as well as historically in my own rel, i am not judging, it is just true)
avdi needs a healthy dose of “what is it like to live without staceys immediate direct love, caring, cooking, emotional support, etc etc”
YOU need a healthy dose of “what would my life be like if avdi weren’t supporting me financially”
so any plan where avdi, who has been paying most of the cost on a home where you and your kids have also been living, now leaves it so as not to inconvenience YOU further, is, to me, insane. I can imagine (in a fictional breakup/trial sep scenario) saying to Paul, oh god please leave me on your health insurance. or even please let me call and ask for financial help if i absolutely have to ask. what i cannot in any universe imagine is me saying to him “get out of your own condo and go live with your parents while i stay here even though most of the money spent on it was yours”.
You talk about facing your demons and fears – but you aren’t even willing to find out whether or not you can survive effectively on your own. Maybe he’s unappreciated too. maybe you don’t fully grasp how much he gives. And maybe that means when he gets angry or sad about it, he isn’t just being some cold monster who “worries too much about his own concerns or about money” maybe he’s trying to express a lack of comprehension for who he is and what he gives and you just brush it off like it was some shallow complaint he wouldnt have if he “really” cared.
This is supposed to be about you both getting an idea what life without the other might be like. in my perception, that means he will, short term at least, lose a great deal of immediate close range love and support from you and maybe come to value that more. and that means you take care of yourself financially. you want him to do without what you give, miss it appreciate it more etc etc – but you aren’t going to actually do without what he provides in terms of financial comfort. you arent going to recalibrate your system by which you gauge the value of his contributions (NOT that i see financial as his only contributions).
I see some of your points but I thought it was a bit harsh how you came off. Seperations are never easy especially when you are legally married and children are involved. The set up isn’t the most ideal but it is what they did. Ultimately it is up to them to figure out what arrangement works best. A lot of times when a married couple seperates/divorces the wife keeps the most stable environment (i.e. the house) and the husband leaves. This situations is complex and as with most things there are three versions of the “truth”; Avdi’s, Stacey’s and the “truth” somewhere in the middle. They both have a lot to work on and my hope is that no matter how “ideal” the situation is they will be able to do that.
in the kinds of cases you are talking about, it is usually because they are the man’s kids.
it is complex and yet it isnt. stacey wants more appreciation of emotional and spiritual plusses – she should and appears is going to withdraw them so avdi gets a sense of what his life would be like without her. by the same logic, she should in this time receive no benefit from him. i get that she despises the idea of being in florida with her parents – but thats the whole frigging point – it is what she’d have to do if they suddenly today ended it forever.
it isnt even in her best interest – if she can’t face going down for say 6 months, is she ever going to know whether she truly wants to be with avdi or whether she just wants NOT to have to go down there with them? if she went down and couldnt handle it, i am sure she’d be able to return one way or another – but perhaps with a different perspective on what avdi provides and why it isnt just about money, but about the aspects of himself that make him even willing to deal with such a situation – with being the kind of person who would even take on a wife with two existing kids, a problematic divorce, a low income and a ton of debt to be paid off? this isnt just about the goddamn dollar signs its about him being the type of rare person who would even go into that. most men today would run screaming from a situation like that – you know it, i know it, the american people know it. when i am single i lose a lot of “possibilities” right off the bat just for having a low income. NO kids. NO debt. NO exhusband.
i fully believe they love each other. i dont think anyone is using the other, at all. but it sure seems like staceys wants to be appreciated more for who she is, by way of withdrawing those benefits for the time being, but isn’t ready to give up what she gets back and isnt ready to appreciate him more. thats where i am calling foul. i am all for teaching a hard lesson (that avdi needs to reconsider her as a whole being) but that lesson is pointless if she isn’t willing to give up the comforts she gains from being with him to make it.
Just for the record, I agree.
I think we have two people here that have felt unappreciated, for different reasons, for a long time, and it’s nigh impossible to really appreciate the loss of something like that unless it’s, you know, actually gone.
Some men are best at saying “I care about you/love you” by working their hardest to maintain a stable (financial and otherwise) home environment, and I think Avdi may very well be one of them. Every time they go into work when things are going badly and they would really rather not be there, it’s a “you matter, and your well-being is important to me. More important than the fact that I’m tired, overworked, or in general would rather be somewhere else.”
thank you for saying that much better than i seem to be able to.
paul goes to work, ft, every day. he gets on the metro, goes into dc, and deals with idiots and assholes all day, 5 days a week. does he do that *just* for my benefit? no, obviously he needs to work regardless. but he does do it and provides me with the opportunity to work part-time, to work locally, and to make sure we have benefits like insurance.
there are days he literally has to force himself to go. and i know part of why he does is so he can provide a better life/home for both of us. i know there are days he comes home and resents my degree of comfort, ive worked 4-5 hours versus his 8, etc etc. i know its been hard and ive been along a lot of the same lines of thinking – he doesnt appreciate the cooking, the emotional support, etc enough. and to a degree that was true. but i also know that i didnt appreciate what he was giving enough. so my frustration with stacey is admittedly partly coming from being embarassed myself at not always appreciating the quality of life i have.
when avdi gets frustrated, it doesnt seem to me like “appreciate my money!!!” it seems like “appreciate that i am a person who is willing to do all this to provide for you, because i love you” – it is as tangible and real and valid as cooking meals, soothing nerves, and doing chores. you cant ask for energy to be appreciated *only* if it doesn’t get you a paycheck.
*hug* You are both in my thoughts. I hope this gets worked out for the best.
Feel free to stop by my place after work sometime if you need a place to be.
I intend to take you up on this.
Good. You have a standing overnight invitation as well if you need it 🙂
Do I get a cuddly snake to keep me company?
My corns aren’t really all that cuddly, and Iopted out of the boa because I didn’t want it getting too cuddly with my baby.
You are welcome to try cuddling the corns, however 🙂
*hugs* I’m thinking of both of you.
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