Allow me to put “Fist” in “Face”

…and now that I’ve got the announcement out of the way, I can indulge in a little rant.

Now that I am officially a father-to-be, I have to deal with something that I have tried studiously to avoid my entire life. Baby Culture. The world of cloying, syrupy, giggling, gushing, pastel-colored, faux-sentimental empty-headedness that accumulates like barnacles around the institution of childbirth. A world of preciousness to the nth degree.

And nothing is more representative of this sacharrine alternate universe than my #1 Baby Culture pet peeve: the pseudonym “Baby”.

Not the mere word “baby”. No, I’m talking about when it’s used to refer to YOUR baby, or MY baby. As in: “footie pajamas – for Baby!”. Or “Taking care of Baby”. Or “Baby’s first thermonuclear device”.

LISTEN up, Baby People. I know your brains are currently dribbling out your ears onto your fuzzy pastel pink scarves due to exposure to concentrated preciousness. But it isn’t “Baby”. It’s THE baby. Or MY baby. Or YOUR baby. Or Our Esteemed and Beloved Future Leader. We don’t take “middle schooler” to soccer practice. No one teaches “teenager’s very first sex-ed class”. You don’t buy deodorant for “husband”. It’s not grammatical, it’s not sensical, it’s not RIGHT. Unless you are making the assumption that I have actually named my infant child “Baby” – and you can safely assume that I WON’T – it’s just stupid.

Seriously, The Baby. Just three little letters, is that so hard? “The”. THE BABY. Honestly, people.

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  1. You had me convinced at “Baby’s first thermonuclear device” πŸ˜‰

  2. hee hee hee hee hee…awesome.

    Congratulations to you and S!!!!

  3. *hugs* to the three of you. πŸ™‚

    1. So… What? Don’t the other two kids get a hug too?? πŸ˜‰

      1. Well, some people react badly when they see a stranger hugging their kids. I just didn’t want to cause concern. πŸ˜‰

  4. *GiggleSnort*

    Seriously! LOL!!!

    So. What shall we name … *ehem* … Baby?

  5. First, congrats and good luck in this new adventure! It is one I never had (and still don’t have) the guts to journey upon.

    Second, something you might find amusing: We have a lot of contractors in our office. Many of them are from a culture outside of the US. (OK, those are not the amusing parts.) One of the contactors is named ‘Baby’. Yes. That is how his name appears in the official e-mail lists and everything. It took some time to get used to it.

    I suspect that the ‘Baby’ issue runs deep. As a new uncle, I have observed my sister using the phrase ‘the baby’ rather than my nephew’s given name. Friends with newborns use it too. There might be some programming in our heads that allows proper names for only children of a certain age, or perhaps a certain level of communication. The form of ‘Baby’ without the ‘The’ may be an extension of this phenomena. I’m thinking that there is at least a Master’s thesis in here.

    1. You know the puritians didn’t used to give childen a name until they were 2-3. Now of course then many children died before then, but even without the concept makes sense to me with the idea of waiting a bit to see what their personality is like and picking a name that suits them.

  6. I hate pastel colored baby stuff…. and it’s so hard to get away from. And even if you don’t buy it yourself expect to receive many many gifts of very pastel baby clothes that people think are “cute”. Now my idea of cute is the onsie with a skull that’s tie dyed in black and deep pink that my daughter was wearing easlier. Sadly everyone else does not agree.

    1. You know what’s annoying to me? As an expectant mom I want to go and buy clothes for my developing little one only to be confronted by a vast array of blue for boy or pink for girl or otherwise obviously boy vs girl themed clothing. I don’t know yet what my baby will be except that it will be in almost all certainty a human! Gah! The frustration!

      1. Which is why I have some boy clothes put away for some other baby, lol! It is possible to find decent gender nuetral stuff, though difficult. Old Navy is one good place for less pastel baby stuff, ebay to. I picked up a bunch of onsies really cheap at yad sales with the intention of dying them black and tie dye. Haven’t actually done it yet, but if I do I’ll give you the some of the ones that are to small for us already. πŸ™‚

      2. Boys

        You have way way more options in colors for boys.

        Boy colors aren’t too bad, check out Gabriel Brother’s selection.

        Girls on the other hand,….good luck finding something without pink. And if so, without purple or light green. (Thankfully, I actually like purple and muck green.) But despise most pinks.

  7. baby?! *falls over* YAY!

    1. Finally!

      yuh! Can you believe it??

  8. Got it, no baby…

    Just don’t be offended if I exclaim… “awww…look how cute – Avdi’s adorable brat is pulling the dog’s ear”


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